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My Top 10 Tweets from January

Yeah…I ranked my own tweets. Totally not self-involved. Tomorrow I’ll rank the world’s comedic geniuses – guess who’s #1?

10. Remember the days when “Extra Slim” shirts were called “Medium”?

9. Just discovered that “Soul Train” is a TV show, and NOT a racist term white people use for Baltimore’s metro.

8. Gas stations give me serious gas.

7. I am more angry at Mel Gibson for his 2011 role in “The Beaver” than his anti-semitism.

6. The airline industry is preventing the teleportation industry from taking off.

5. Heidi Klum to Seal: “If you don’t know why I’m divorcing you, take a long hard look in the mirror.”

4. If I was a superhero, I’d want superpowers to tweet, read Kindle, listen to Spotify, and listen to podcasts simultaneously. And giant penis.

3. I hate how the U.S. has become bilingual. Like I’m at IKEA, and everything is in fucking Swedish.

2. If your foot falls asleep after crossing your legs, it’s God’s punishment for acting gay.

1. The only thing classier than wearing a Monocle? Reading Monocle magazine.

And some other favorites that didn’t make the Top 10…

Ughh…this Chinese food is “Made in China”.

Las Vegas from above looks like a poorly played game of Sim City.

Been in San Francisco for 3 months, haven’t seen ONE ninja-motorcycle-driveby-uzi-shooting yet. Disappointed.

A Ron Paul vs. Barack Obama election would be more interesting than The Simpsons, but less interesting than Family Guy.

Helsinki just pulled off the greatest Flash Mob ever: At exactly noon, everyone in the entire city appeared depressed and suicidal.

Native American reservations should have their own domain names. Unfortunately, the Åland Islands already stole .ax

I ran out of my -2 strength contacts, but I have leftover -1 contacts from my other eye. Can I just put two -1 contacts in to get -2?

I like to crank up my laptop’s brightness, then wear sunglasses.

I just said, “I’m not good at taking naps.” That’s like saying, “I’m not good at anything.”

I choose music depending on what mood I’d LIKE to be in. Like now I’m not depressed enough, so I’ll put on all my favorite bands.

Sharing is caring! Except with needles.

I seriously live in constant fear that my shirts are being creased. What’s the medical term for this disorder?

I don’t like hockey cause everyone’s last name is confusing and foreign.

I have a really original idea: A digital magazine that covers fashion, design, culture, architecture, and music.

Told some hyenas my jokes. They didn’t laugh.

 

Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at: www.philschwarzmann.com

Buy my fucking book! (please)


 

Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

  • I wanna play video games, but I'm feeling lazy. So for the next hour I'm just trying to solve CAPTCHA codes.
  • I keep saying I'm a hot mess. But I've been saying that for so long, it's no longer hot. I'm a cool mess.
  • When aliens from those new planets visit Earth and ask to, "Take us to your leader", can we get Alec Baldwin to wear his wig?
  • I've been spending more time on LinkedIn lately. There aren't as many jerks, like me, posting stuff about Trump.
  • If you decide to shave your head like I do, you'll immediately look 3 years older. But, you'll look that age for the next 15 years.
  • When we're looking at a photo of you and your sibling, and say, "Oh wow you guys look EXACTLY alike!" ...that's never a compliment. :-/
  • Who makes more mistakes? 1. Me typing spelling errors, or 2. Autocorrect correcting the correct word

About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

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