This motel was a real dump…

At least they apologize on the way in…

Your friends call you a slut, your mom agrees, your boyfriend isn’t sure, your ex-boyfriend is sure, and your dad knows first hand. But are you really? Take this 10 question quiz to find out. Give yourself one point each time you say YES…

1. Have you had a sex with an OB/GYN?
- Was it a hot young woman just out of med school?
- Was it an older man decades out of med school?
- Was it Bill Cosby?

2. Have you had a threesome?
- Was it with the cast of Three’s Company?
- Was John Ritter stiff?

3. Have you joined the “Mile High Club”?
- Have you had a club sandwich at Mile High?
- Ever had Subway’s seafood and crab sub?
- The whole 12″?

4. Have you ever had a “golden shower”?
- Did your partner just eat asparagus?
- Were you secretly craving Hollandaise sauce?

5. Have you had sex while blind-folded?
- Were you at a children’s birthday party?
- Was there a live donkey?
- Dead honkey?

Read the last five questions and get your slutty answers…

Photo taken in Monterey, CA

I’m truly humbled that someone spent hours of their day reading my writing. And I love nothing more than to hear people’s thought’s on my book, both on and offline. But sometimes those comments are backhanded. Or I’m a cynical asshole. Probably the latter.

Below are comments I’ve received, and what I really think the person is saying…

What people say.	How I interpret it.
I read your book in a day!	Did you crank that thing out in a week? I paid $20 for this! I wanted to labor over your book for weeks, if not months!! Editing is for pussies.
It was an easy read.	You have the vocabulary of a 3rd grader. Take those residuals and buy yourself a thesaurus.
It wasn’t that funny.	You think you’re funny? Well I’m much funnier! I could have written a funnier book on this exact topic. If I wanted to. But I’m too busy writing critical reviews of people’s creative endeavors.
You published a book? Like a real book?	Any hack can self-publish nowadays. Anyone can get on Amazon. Did you get a REAL publisher? I thought landing a publishing deal was difficult. I guess not.
You really put yourself out there!	Phil, you’re embarrassing yourself. And our family.
I bought your book, and it better be funny!!!!	I’m a douchebag!!
You should write the book “How to divorce a Finnish girl”!!	Hey, here’s something that’s clever, funny, and totally original!!
I could never write a book.	Phil, you have way too much time on your hands. Seriously, get a life.
It should have had more of “this”, and less of “that”!!	Why didn’t you write your book EXACTLY the way I wanted you too?!? Don’t you care about what I want!?!
There were typos!	If you don’t know the difference between “desert” and “dessert”, how the hell are you able to write an entire book? This is clearly your editor’s fault, but I’ll blame it on the author.
Frankly, I didn’t like it.	I am in pain and full of hate! I put my cries for help in the comments section of Amazon.com!!

I tipped him well after he turned my water into wine.

The Old Spice guy…The Chiptole farmer…The Paris Hilton Hotels sex tape.

Viral videos. They’re the ultimate marketing campaign. Spend your company’s entire marketing budget on a KILLER video that’ll spread like volcanic ash clouds. The stylish Swedish ad agency promised “it wöuld gö virål!” right before they took you out for a 5am night of meatballs and blow.

A week after it’s live you’re up to 3,000 views – about 2,997,000 shy of what you promised your psychopathic boss. “Annoying Orangejuice” was a lock!! The Swedes’ answer is a follow-up video which’ll make the first video gö virål. All they need is another million euros to make that happen. But that ain’t gonna happen.

So here’s what you do…

Hire a viral agency that guarantees views

For just $50,000 they promise 500,000 clicks!! Sounds too good to be true, but their British accents make them sound credible. When asked how they work their magic, they smile (bad teeth) and say something too witty for any American to understand. The “Filipino refresh team” await your cheque so they can get to work. High five? F5!!

No matter how much money you earn, you’ll end up with the exact same at the end of the month…zero. For every $10,000/year you earn, you’ll piss it away on more crapola. Look up your salary to see what you’ll be maxing out your credit card on next!

[Read Part 1]

Fitted clothes and skinny jeans | $80,000/year

You’ve slithered your way up the corporate ladder to the point where you’re the dumbest person in the department. You feel like a total fraud. You could excel by working harder than everyone else, but there’s a problem, you don’t give a fuck. The secret is to dress better than everyone else. Wear a tie. Wear a spacesuit! People will think you’re the CEO. You’re already a total jerk, might as well dress like one. Look for clothes marked “fitted” or “skinny”. You’ll be uncomfortable all day, but you’ll look feel less fat.

Fancy wine and beers | $90,000/year

Your dad drinks so much beer he’d be a connoisseur by now, but he instead buys whatever is the cheapest case of light beer – and let’s not even bring up his pink cardboard “wine keg” seemingly attached to the refrigerator floor. Not you – you’ve “discovered” $6 ales. Then $8 pale ales. Then $10 IPA’s. Then $16 corked Belgian ales. To the average person, ales taste like sweat off a marathon runner’s nut sack. But to you, they taste great, cause three nights in a federal prison would turn you into a girl.