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13 Planes, Trains and Automobiles photo memes for Thanksgiving

My only Thanksgiving tradition is to watch Planes, Trains and Auotmobiles. Here’s thirteen photos to get you through another Detroit Lions loss…

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Top 10 Things Only Americans Find Funny

Americans are confident they are the funniest people in the world. I mean, have you seen something funny from another country? Of course not. So many great comedic Americans like: John Candy, Jim Carey, Russell Peters, Sofia Vergara, Ricky Gervais, David Brent…all Americans. All funny.

But sometimes the American sense of humor doesn’t make home runs abroad. Here’s ten things only hilarious Americans find funny…

 

A Christmas Story
Nothing captures America’s childhood innocense more than A Christmas Story. While being a box office flop, it experienced a resurgence thanks to media mogul Ted Turner, who, during Christmas, repeats this movie 24 hours straight on his network. Americans have literally memorized every line of this, while the outside world has never heard of it.



 

License Plates
While European plates are way more James Bond, Americans are more Austin Powers. Who doesn’t love a cryptic joke during morning rush hour?



 

Saturday Night Live
A staple of American television since 1975, SNL has launched the illustrious careers of gabs of comedic actors. The live show is written and recorded in the span of just six days and lampoons American politics, people, and culture, leaving the rest of the world saying, “huh?” and “I do not like this Adam Sandler you speak of”.

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My First Week Without a Nokia

Just paid my first phone bill in ten years. TEN!! And AT&T wants $115 of my not-so-hard earned money. $115!! Is this what you people have been paying?? Now I know how they fund their incessant advertising.

I miss the perks of working for a mobile phone manufacturer. Now that they no longer pay my phone bill, I had to ask a friend if dialing a land line is included in my plan’s “minutes”. He laughed. Then I asked him how much it costs to drunk dial foreign countries. We laughed. Oh, how I’ll miss drunk dialing foreign countries.

Also, I haven’t paid for my own phone in ten years. Better yet, I haven’t owned a non-Nokia phone EVER. My first phone, last phone, and everything in between, was a Nokia – another perk of working for a mobile phone manufacturer – I would get a latest and greatest phone every 3-4 months. Or whenever I accidentally broke a phone. Or whenever I threw my phone across the room. Some people throw the TV remote across the room. If you know you can get a free new phone the next day, you often send a phone to get the remote.

I’ve had to learn what a “bumper” is. Apparently when civilians scratch a phone they need to stare at said scratch for up to two years. Insanity!! So people hide their gorgeous iPhone’s in thick, brownish, disease-infeststed rubber from which they purchased from an Israeli-operated shack on level 3 of Westfield mall.

So until the gorgeous Nokia Lumia 920 comes out, I thought I’d kill time with an Android device. I’ve been making fun of Android for years, might as well try it out. It’s like Americans and foreign countries, they don’t have to visit to already hate it.

I purchased a Google Nexus so I can switch to Straight Talk and give my posterior a break from AT&T’s onslaught. Is this what the general public want in a phone??? I could Hulk Hogan the cheap plastic in half with my bare hands. I’ve had easier time putting on condoms than inserting the Nexus’ flimsy back cover.

On the plus side, I need not worry about dropping it, it’s already ugly as snot. In fact, I’ve already put a nice scratch in the glass. It’s obviously not the gorilla-infused glass I’m accustomed to.

And now for the software – Did Google outsource the design of each individual Android screen to a Korean child animator working in silos? There’s zero consistency in the UI. It’s full of buried menus and Windows 95-style icons. The whole thing feels like a dirty apartment, or worse, Symbian. Google and Samsung seriously need to take a page out of Nokia and Apple’s design playbook.

That being said – I’m using my Android phone more than any other phone I’ve ever had. I no longer have to wait years for popular apps to become available. I can multitask without waiting hours for apps to pop back up. And my favorite feature of them all…a notifications center.

Mmmmmm….notifications center.

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Vampire Tim Lincecum

Be on the lookout for VAMPIRE TIM LINCECUM!! He was bitten and turned from a human starting pitcher, into a relief pitcher. He drinks tiger blood.

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Who is Fake Stephen Elop?

It’s not me. Though I’ve been accused of it several times.

I take it as the ultimate compliment my colleagues, and security team.  But I’m just not that funny.  And I wouldn’t want to risk losing my job!   Ooops.

Nokia’s controversial CEO Stephen Elop has not one, but TWO, parody Twitter accounts (@ceoStephenElop and @fakeselop). And both are terribly funny. They have thousands of followers and thousands of others too afraid to publicly follow them.

While they’re two separate writers, they have much in common. The ghost writers have yet to reveal themselves, so let’s summon the spirit of Angela Landsbury and smoke these pranksters out.

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I would return my Eagle Scout medal too

My office recently played a game of “Two Truths, One Lie” during a team-building day. My truths were that 1) I tap danced for three years and 2) I’m an Eagle Scout. My lie was that I’m a brown belt in Jiu-Jitsu. Everyone guessed I wasn’t an Eagle Scout. Tap dancing they believed, but Phil as an Eagle Scout? No way.

I guess I’m not the typical Eagle Scout. I’m a city dweller in San Francisco. I’m not religious. I’m a registered Democrat. I prefer hotels to camping. I’m the world’s worst tier of knots – turns out my brain has difficulty comprehending three dimensional objects – and my brain has difficulty giving a shit about knots.

Our motto is that scouts are trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, reverent – and homophobic. They apparently added that last one after I earned my Eagle Scout rank in 1997.

The Boy Scouts of America are actively denying boys Eagle Scout honors due to their sexual orientation. California scout Ryan Andresen was denied his award because he came out months earlier. Why didn’t he declare his sexuality when joining Scouts at age 6?? Couldn’t he have just fingerbanged a few high school girls before his eighteenth birthday??

Hundreds of Eagle Scouts are returning their awards and sharing their thoughts on a dedicated Tumblr blog. I would return my medal too, if I could find it. My mother probably tucked it away in a closet. Earning that award was one of my proudest moments, according to my parents. But I can’t be proud to be part of an organization who promotes such intolerance. It’s one of the same reasons I left the Catholic church years ago. Maybe my award is best suited trapped in the closet.

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Sorry, I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

And he’s shedding a tear.

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  • I bought a storage case for my camera memory cards, because I keep losing them. So now instead of losing a couple r… https://t.co/FQ8DOOROwy

Buy my fucking book! (please)


 

Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

Better!

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Better!

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