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Jon Hamm’s penis affirms there is no God

I’ve been on the fence about atheism. But after seeing Jon Hamm’s penis this week, there’s undeniable proof: There is no God.

Jon Hamm burst out of nowhere in 2007 as the ridiculously handsome lead on AMC’s Mad Men. The show’s not even that good. It’s literally an episode of “I Dream of Genie” played in slow motion. The whole thing is an excuse to see Jon Hamm hang out in a suit. You might as well stare at a Jon Hamm screensaver for 60 minutes.

As if his looks and fame weren’t enough, he’s FUNNY!! Whether it be Bridesmaids, hosting SNL, appearances on Conan, 30 Rock, or seated between two ferns, he kills. Even for a male, you’re not supposed to be attractive AND funny.

Jon Hamm is magical. Toss in millions of dollars, a hot wife, and the ability to chain smoke without getting cancer (cancer wasn’t invented until 1971) and he’s a modern-day saint. He even has standards, he refuses to sleep with Elisabeth Moss! Jon Hamm is like donuts, there’s nothing he can’t do.

So, it would make absolute sense Jon Hamm has a small penis, right? Nobody’s perfect. God is supposed to be fair and just. Surely with all the pain and suffering in the world, God wouldn’t create such a perfect creature. I mean, there’s starving people in Africa!!

Alas, Jon Hamm is packing heat…

Circumcision has risen 19% since the posting of this photo

…no God would ever allow THAT to happen. Therefore we are all just accidental byproduct of random events. No higher power could be so cruel as to flood New Orleans, destroy the Twin Towers, or attach a hog to Jon Hamm.

Or, maybe, Jon Hamm is God. It’s been promised that Jesus will return to Earth. He would naturally want to be charismatic, funny, and wield a large scepter. With a sense of humor like Hamm’s, Jesus may finally win over the Jews.

So the next time you’re debating Christianity with family over Thanksgiving dinner, remind them of Jon Hamm’s ham, and win that argument.

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What people say about my book, and how I interpret it.

I’m truly humbled that someone spent hours of their day reading my writing. And I love nothing more than to hear people’s thought’s on my book, both on and offline. But sometimes those comments are backhanded. Or I’m a cynical asshole. Probably the latter.

Below are comments I’ve received, and what I really think the person is saying…

What people say. How I interpret it.
I read your book in a day! Did you crank that thing out in a week? I paid $20 for this! I wanted to labor over your book for weeks, if not months!! Editing is for pussies.
It was an easy read. You have the vocabulary of a 3rd grader. Take those residuals and buy yourself a thesaurus.
It wasn’t that funny. You think you’re funny? Well I’m much funnier! I could have written a funnier book on this exact topic. If I wanted to. But I’m too busy writing critical reviews of people’s creative endeavors.
You published a book? Like a real book? Any hack can self-publish nowadays. Anyone can get on Amazon. Did you get a REAL publisher? I thought landing a publishing deal was difficult. I guess not.
You really put yourself out there! Phil, you’re embarrassing yourself. And our family.
I bought your book, and it better be funny!!!! :-) I’m a douchebag!!
You should write the book “How to divorce a Finnish girl”!! Hey, here’s something that’s clever, funny, and totally original!!
I could never write a book. Phil, you have way too much time on your hands. Seriously, get a life.
It should have had more of “this”, and less of “that”!! Why didn’t you write your book EXACTLY the way I wanted you too?!? Don’t you care about what I want!?!
There were typos! If you don’t know the difference between “desert” and “dessert”, how the hell are you able to write an entire book? This is clearly your editor’s fault, but I’ll blame it on the author.
Frankly, I didn’t like it. I am in pain and full of hate! I put my cries for help in the comments section of!!
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How annoying are your Facebook updates?

Most of your friends’ Facebook updates are painfully annoying. You’d unfriend them, but fear they’d be upset. And besides, you don’t know how.

Everyone on Facebook can fit into at least one of 21 different personalities. Below are the 21 different types of personalities and their typical annoying updates. Which Facebook personality are you?


The workaholic

It’s 10pm, guess I’m leaving the office EARLY tonight!

They should install a bed below my desk because I practically live at work!

This job is the only thing in my life that makes me feel important.


The jet-setter

I only got business class to Singapore and not first class. UGH!!!!!!

SFO -> JFK -> LHR -> HEL -> SAD

I never see my wife and kids, LOL!


The gym rat

Getting in a quick workout before breakfast.

I just ran 13km with Endomondo.

People certainly don’t like me for my personality, so I gotta workout everyday!


The annoying guy who wishes he was a comedian

Hey, check out my latest blog post!!

Rape, fuck, AIDS, douchebag, sucks, donkey punch, blowjobs!!!!!



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I interpret Wu-Tang Clan’s “The Projects”

The Projects” off the Wu-Tang Clan’s 1997 “Wu-Tang Forever” album has always been one of my favorite hip-hop tracks. In particular, the third and final verse written and performed by my all-time favorite rapper Ghostface Killah AKA Ironman AKA Ghostdeini AKA Tony Starks AKA Dennis Coles.

Apparently, someone forget to tell Ghost he was supposed to rap about “The Projects”. The song is more about vaginas, expletives, and hilarity, which is probably why I love it.

I’ve memorized the track but never really understood the lyrics. So I’ve broken down the verse, line by line, and attempted to interpret Ghostface’s deep symbolism…


Suck my dick it’s the kid with the fat knob

Perform oral sex on me, because I’m the young man with the large penis you’ve probably heard about.


I bust all into ya face, plus it come in globs

When I ejaculate, I will purposefully target your face. My semen will be thick and lumpy.


Quick get on your knees, with yo’ sweet pussy let it breathe

For me to properly ejaculate on your face, you’ll need to lower your body. Try kneeling. Make haste as my orgasm is moments away. Also, spread your legs, let your vagina get some air.


Two fingers is all in your hole, think I can fit three

Being the gentleman I am, I will ensure we BOTH reach a sexual climax. I’m stimulating your G-spot with my two fingers. I wonder, can I fit three fingers into your vagina? Yes.


Your pink lips, spread it in shit, let me throw my dick in

Spread your vagina (if it isn’t already) and allow me to heave my penis inside you. It’s apparently already erect again. Awesome.


Grab my shit and place it gently, on your clit

Take hold of my erect penis and place it, ever so delicately, onto your clitoris. But trust me, be gentle, my penis is larger than average penises and my hurt you. This has happened with other women in the past.


Ping-pong pussy, wide world of wombs titty saggin

Back and forth, my penis goes from stimulating your clitoris to your G-spot, similar to a friendly game of ping-pong. Also, and please don’t take any offense, your stomach could be holding a child and your breasts have begun to lose their density.

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Forgot your password… No problem!


Forgot your password? No problem! Just enter your e-mail address and we’ll get you right back on track.

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Your $3 million viral video didn’t go viral – now what!!

The Old Spice guy…The Chiptole farmer…The Paris Hilton Hotels sex tape.

Viral videos. They’re the ultimate marketing campaign. Spend your company’s entire marketing budget on a KILLER video that’ll spread like volcanic ash clouds. The stylish Swedish ad agency promised “it wöuld gö virål!” right before they took you out for a 5am night of meatballs and blow.

A week after it’s live you’re up to 3,000 views – about 2,997,000 shy of what you promised your psychopathic boss. “Annoying Orangejuice” was a lock!! The Swedes’ answer is a follow-up video which’ll make the first video gö virål. All they need is another million euros to make that happen. But that ain’t gonna happen.

So here’s what you do…

Hire a viral agency that guarantees views

For just $50,000 they promise 500,000 clicks!! Sounds too good to be true, but their British accents make them sound credible. When asked how they work their magic, they smile (bad teeth) and say something too witty for any American to understand. The “Filipino refresh team” await your cheque so they can get to work. High five? F5!!

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Mo’ Money, Mo’ Crap (Part 1)

No matter how much money you earn, you’ll end up with the exact same at the end of the month…zero. For every $10,000/year you earn, you’ll piss it away on more crapola. Look up your salary to see what you’ll be maxing out your credit card on next!

Bigass TV | $30,000/year

A gift to yourself for that promotion at Subway, and your first splurge into the good life. It was no problem fitting that 60″ plasma from Best Buy into the bed of your F-150, then through the screen door to your living room. Yeah, it blocks light coming from the room’s only window, while corners petrude into the hallway creating an obstacle course into the kitchen, but the added exercise should offset the Ranch Doritos. The TV’s manual will be the most reading you’ve done since middle school…if you read it (you won’t). Respect to the Chinamen at Samsung for placing English instructions in the front and not Japanese. Now for some “2 and a Half Men” reruns in muthafuckin’ HD!!

Jacuzzi | $40,000/year

Keeping up with the Jones’s are we?? (You would be, if anyone actually named “Jones” lived your ghetto neighborhood.) Nothing says both class and comfort like a jacuzzi in your backyard. Along with your “Rock Band 2” drum, mic, and guitar set (both lead and bass guitar), your townhouse has transformed into a townHAUS. The jacuzzi takes up half your backyard, but there’s still plenty of space to light afternoon fireworks. You’d ask your neighbor to take down the chain linked fence to build a horseshoe pit, but you don’t know what “horseshoes” is in Spanish. Oh well, can’t wait to FUCK in this jacuzzi!!!

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Buy my fucking book! (please)


Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

About Better! Funner!


Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!