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  • Age 39: The age when you have at least one part of your body hurting at all times.
  • Realized I spent all of yesterday wearing an ‘L’ sticker on my brand new shirt. Great. Does it mean ‘Large’? No, I wish.
  • Autocorrect so annoying! I kept trying to type “Can’t wait to wear my new jersey!!” but it kept correcting to “Can… https://t.co/6a1sAvhwJV
  • Me: “I’m gonna have a healthy salad for lunch.” Coworker: “There’s pizza in the break room!” Me: “I’m gonna eat ALL the pizza.”
  • With Papa John gone, we finally removed racism from pizza producers! Unless you’re a Republican making DiGiorino at home.

Buy my fucking book! (please)


 

Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

Better!

Funner!

Better!

Funner!