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This is Why People Aren’t Buying Windows Phones

I’ve been in California for 18 months now, and I’ve yet to see a SINGLE Windows Phone in a consumer’s hands.

Seriously.

The few times I have, I’ve confronted and even congratulated the individual, only to find out they work for Microsoft, or they’re a developer paid to code for it. I do, however, see schizophrenic homeless people defecating on San Francisco sidewalks. But no Windows Phones. I’m not sure which makes me sadder.

3.2%. That’s Windows Phone’s marketshare. Third place in a two horse race. Windows Phone is currently on its eighth version and has arguably been in development since 2000 with the launch of Windows Mobile. They have the finest phone manufacturer in the world producing their phones, yet, thirteen years and billions of dollars later, all they can muster up is a measly 3.2%.

Why would God let this happen!?!

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My First Week Without a Nokia

Just paid my first phone bill in ten years. TEN!! And AT&T wants $115 of my not-so-hard earned money. $115!! Is this what you people have been paying?? Now I know how they fund their incessant advertising.

I miss the perks of working for a mobile phone manufacturer. Now that they no longer pay my phone bill, I had to ask a friend if dialing a land line is included in my plan’s “minutes”. He laughed. Then I asked him how much it costs to drunk dial foreign countries. We laughed. Oh, how I’ll miss drunk dialing foreign countries.

Also, I haven’t paid for my own phone in ten years. Better yet, I haven’t owned a non-Nokia phone EVER. My first phone, last phone, and everything in between, was a Nokia – another perk of working for a mobile phone manufacturer – I would get a latest and greatest phone every 3-4 months. Or whenever I accidentally broke a phone. Or whenever I threw my phone across the room. Some people throw the TV remote across the room. If you know you can get a free new phone the next day, you often send a phone to get the remote.

I’ve had to learn what a “bumper” is. Apparently when civilians scratch a phone they need to stare at said scratch for up to two years. Insanity!! So people hide their gorgeous iPhone’s in thick, brownish, disease-infeststed rubber from which they purchased from an Israeli-operated shack on level 3 of Westfield mall.

So until the gorgeous Nokia Lumia 920 comes out, I thought I’d kill time with an Android device. I’ve been making fun of Android for years, might as well try it out. It’s like Americans and foreign countries, they don’t have to visit to already hate it.

I purchased a Google Nexus so I can switch to Straight Talk and give my posterior a break from AT&T’s onslaught. Is this what the general public want in a phone??? I could Hulk Hogan the cheap plastic in half with my bare hands. I’ve had easier time putting on condoms than inserting the Nexus’ flimsy back cover.

On the plus side, I need not worry about dropping it, it’s already ugly as snot. In fact, I’ve already put a nice scratch in the glass. It’s obviously not the gorilla-infused glass I’m accustomed to.

And now for the software – Did Google outsource the design of each individual Android screen to a Korean child animator working in silos? There’s zero consistency in the UI. It’s full of buried menus and Windows 95-style icons. The whole thing feels like a dirty apartment, or worse, Symbian. Google and Samsung seriously need to take a page out of Nokia and Apple’s design playbook.

That being said – I’m using my Android phone more than any other phone I’ve ever had. I no longer have to wait years for popular apps to become available. I can multitask without waiting hours for apps to pop back up. And my favorite feature of them all…a notifications center.

Mmmmmm….notifications center.

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Who is Fake Stephen Elop?

It’s not me. Though I’ve been accused of it several times.

I take it as the ultimate compliment my colleagues, and security team.  But I’m just not that funny.  And I wouldn’t want to risk losing my job!   Ooops.

Nokia’s controversial CEO Stephen Elop has not one, but TWO, parody Twitter accounts (@ceoStephenElop and @fakeselop). And both are terribly funny. They have thousands of followers and thousands of others too afraid to publicly follow them.

While they’re two separate writers, they have much in common. The ghost writers have yet to reveal themselves, so let’s summon the spirit of Angela Landsbury and smoke these pranksters out.

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The Appster Changelog – App Store Top 10 here we come!!!!!


The Appster Team!! From left to right: Pete, Jim (me), and Mary

Appster is the latest and greatest mobile phone app coming out of Silicon Valley. It’s bound to be #1 in the Apple AppStore. Below are changes made to improve Appster, as logged by the app’s CEO Jim Taylor (me)…

 

01/12/11 – v1.0

Appster has gone GOLD and is ready to download!!! Special thanks to Pete Thompson and Mary Egerstein for their countless hours developing this app. App Store Top 10 here we come!! –Jim Taylor

01/13/11 – v1.0.1

First bug found…and squashed!! Your Appster password may now include numbers, characters, and the letter ‘E’. Hat tip to our coder Pete Thompson for the fix.

01/14/11 – v1.0.2

‘Nuther day, ‘nuther bug…SWAT! Appster will no longer publish your full credit card details onto Twitter.

02/01/11 – v1.1

First new feature!! Appster now suggests mp3’s for your listening pleasure. Enjoy! App Store Top 100 here we come!!

02/02/11 – v1.1.1

Weird, Appster only suggested the extended remix of Depeche Mode’s “Just Can’t Get Enough”. This has been fixed.

02/03/11 – v1.1.2

Appster now suggests more bands than just Depeche Mode.

02/20/11 – v1.2

Some personal news – I’ve asked our developer Mary Egerstein for her hand in marriage…AND SHE SAID YES!! In celebration, Appster is now FREE throughout the rest of February. FREE!!

02/21/11 – v1.2.1

Yup, that was a inside of a walrus’s asshole uploaded to your Flickr account. Apparently coder Pete Thompson had a crush on fiancé and fellow coder Mary Egerstein, and decided to sabotage Appster. Sincerest apologies. Needless to say this has been fixed and Pete is no longer with the Appster team.

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  • I wanna play video games, but I'm feeling lazy. So for the next hour I'm just trying to solve CAPTCHA codes.
  • I keep saying I'm a hot mess. But I've been saying that for so long, it's no longer hot. I'm a cool mess.
  • When aliens from those new planets visit Earth and ask to, "Take us to your leader", can we get Alec Baldwin to wear his wig?
  • I've been spending more time on LinkedIn lately. There aren't as many jerks, like me, posting stuff about Trump.
  • If you decide to shave your head like I do, you'll immediately look 3 years older. But, you'll look that age for the next 15 years.

Buy my fucking book! (please)


 

Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

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