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One-Liners

My Top 10 Apple iOS6 Maps jokes

Consumers and the media love to hate Apple, especially when they screw up, like they did with the release of Maps for iOS6. Few have tried it, but that doesn’t stop us from trashing it. So I took to Twitter (@philschwarzmann) this morning to write some iOS6 Maps jokes. Here’s my Top 10…

#10 London looks like complete crap in iOS6 Maps!! They finally got that right.

#9 Found the problem: iOS6 Maps’ “Earthquake Simulation Mode” default setting is ‘ON’.

#8 Apple.com proclaims: “Beautifully designed from the ground up, iOS6 Maps changes the way you see all 37 states.”

#7 Apple removed street view from iOS6 Maps because they were too scared to drive through East Baltimore.

#6 I searched for “New Orleans” on iOS6 Maps and got another blue screen of death.

#5 I failed my high school geography exam because I cheated and used iOS6 Maps.

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My Top 10 Oscar tweets

And what a coincidence, they were all written by me. While on wine and hummus…

10. Nice to see The Muppets – Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy making apparences while Fozzie Bear writing Billy Crystal’s jokes.

9. A George Clooney / Stacey Keibler sex tape could save solve world hunger.

8. Don’t know about you, but I LOVE Sound Mixing but fucking HATE Sound Editing.

7. Oscars are too slow – someone give Billy Crystal meth

6. I starred in THE fARTIST. It’s in black and brown. It smells like the French.

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My Top 10 Tweets from January

Yeah…I ranked my own tweets. Totally not self-involved. Tomorrow I’ll rank the world’s comedic geniuses – guess who’s #1?

10. Remember the days when “Extra Slim” shirts were called “Medium”?

9. Just discovered that “Soul Train” is a TV show, and NOT a racist term white people use for Baltimore’s metro.

8. Gas stations give me serious gas.

7. I am more angry at Mel Gibson for his 2011 role in “The Beaver” than his anti-semitism.

6. The airline industry is preventing the teleportation industry from taking off.

5. Heidi Klum to Seal: “If you don’t know why I’m divorcing you, take a long hard look in the mirror.”

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Sleepingpills in Seattle [tweets]

Visited Seattle for the first time. Had some free time in between boredom and sleep. Already knocked one out, so why not do a lil’ tweetin’

@PhilSchwarzmann – Touchdown in Seattle, here till Thursday. Glad someone is getting touchdowns in this city!

@PhilSchwarzmann – In Seattle. Now I see why Kurt Cobain killed himself.

@PhilSchwarzmann – In Seattle, home of Starbucks! Every Starbucks cup says, “WARNING: Coffee is HOT” so local residents don’t purposefully burn themselves.

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Tweetsgiving [tweets]

My first Thanksgiving in the states after nine years, and I spent it in front of the computer. My tweets from Thanksgiving…

@philschwarzmann – Hey everyone!! Take photos of dead birds and post them online!

@philschwarzmann – Since it’s Thanksgiving, I’m asking the chef to put raw turkey in my sushi today.

@philschwarzmann – What do West Virginians eat on Thanksgiving? PUMP-KIN PIE!! (i.e. They fuck their family!! LOL!!!)

@philschwarzmann – This Thanksgiving I’m trying to spice things up, so we ordered jive turkey.

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  • You ever been so broke that a “friend with benefits” means she has dental and a 401k?
  • When your hotel room bathroom has tons of mirrors & you catch a glimpse of ur body from 8 different angles & ur terrified 8 different ways.
  • NOBODY CARES IF YOU USED A FILTER OR NOT.
  • The Cleveland Browns are still interested in signing Aaron Hernandez.
  • Jesus rose on the third day, so he could watch the Warriors playoffs.

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Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

Better!

Funner!

Better!

Funner!