Click me:

Cube Life

How to Roll into Work 2 Hours Late and Not Get Caught

There’s a million legitimate reasons not to arrive at work on time.  Extra sleep, less traffic, alcoholism, extra-long masturbation session, or just general who-gives-a-shitness.

Show up at 9am?  All the good parking spots are taken.  Park in the back underneath the pine tree and watch sap slowly deteriorate the paint job on your 2003 Acura.  

Show up at 11am?  Some executive has already left for his noon tugjob leaving an available space near the front door.  LIKE A BOSS!

YOUR SUPERVISOR ISN’T WHO YOU NEED TO WORRY ABOUT

The boss has your best interests at heart.  If you look bad, they look bad, so they got your back.  The true enemy against laziness is that low-level manager who arrives daily at 7am…and takes every opportunity they can to brag about it.

“I need to leave early at 4pm today, but I HAVE been here since 7am!”
“I get in before most the execs!”
“I’m hungry at 11:30 because I eat breakfast at 5:30! LOL!!”

Cunts.  These are the most dangerous people in the company.  With an inflated sense of self-worth, these losers believe they’ll reach the C-Level by perching in their cubes 12 hours per day.  They’ll bust your tardiness any chance they can.

“Nice of you to join us!”
“…Well good afternoon to you!”
“…Did you get that e-mail?…”

Ever wondered why there’s no everything-bagels left on bagel Tuesdays?  THESE WASTES-OF-SPACE ATE THEM!!!

WHY THEY ARRIVE AT 7AM

These soulless creatures can only achieve satisfaction through office life.  Their spouses despise them, their kids barely know them and they have zero hobbies outside of work.  They haven’t touched themselves in weeks for fear of remembering a meaningful, fulfilling life they once had.  Would you rather dress your snottyass kid in the morning?  Or pretend you have an “important” 7am meeting?  The choice is obvious.

Their only interests outside the office are cars, collecting airline miles, fancy restaurants and jogging on a treadmill.  Each evening they wash down their Zoloft® with several glasses of “Cab” and are in bed by 9 o’clock.

These people will be Vice Presidents of the company one day.

10 WAYS TO FOOL’EM

While the fun police are busy projecting their own unhappiness onto you, here’s a few tips on how to fool ’em into thinking you’ve been working even harder than they!

1. Turn off your screensaver

Leave your monitor on 24/7.  Load up some PowerPoint presentation.  Keep an extra jacket on your chair.  Buy an identical man-bag and leave it on your cubicle floor.  Turn on all your lamps.  It’ll look like you’re at the office.  This is also helpful when you want to escape at 3pm.

2. Block off mornings in your calendar

Nosey colleagues will check Outlook to see if you’re in meetings.   Block off 6-11am each morning.  Your calendar should look a bad game of Tetris.

3. Send bullshit responses to e-mails

When you wake up at 8:30am, send out some quick e-mails.  Responses like, “I’m on it!…”  “…Is this meeting still on?…”  “…What’s the status on this?”  Don’t forget to “Reply All” for maximum effect.

4. Don’t every say “HI!” to anyone, ever

Saying “HI!” to co-workers in the hallway is for people who arrive at 9am.  By 9:30 everyone has gotten that pretentious crap out of the way.  They’ve passed everybody in the hallway at least three times and a “Morning!” has morphed into an awkward head nod.  Give an awkward head nod.

5. Pretend to be on the phone

When you arrive to your team’s cubicles, fake a conference call.  Look stressed, like you’ve been on calls since 5am.  Wave around a wad of papers.  Your co-workers are pretending to be stressed too, they’ll get it.  They’ve been working on some clever, personalized passive-aggressive comment to give you for three hours.  Don’t give them the opportunity.

6. Attack is the best defense

Like an inmate on his first day in prison, you gotta attack the first motherfucker you see.  Ask them on the status of that e-mail you sent them 30 seconds prior.  Accuse THEM of being late!  “Where have you been all morning?  I haven’t seen you!  I’ve been looking for you!  Want lunch?”

7. “I was on the phone with Asia all night!”

Name an entire fucking continent.  Say you’ve been knee deep in meetings with said continent.  This is somehow a logical excuse.

8. Admit you were late

Honesty is the best remedy.  But don’t be too honest.  When you roll up at 11, sheepishly offer up that you arrived at 9:30.  Blame traffic.

9. Have an excuse ready

In the rare chance you get busted, have an excuse ready.  Don’t use “sick kids” because everyone hates kids, especially men.  Dying grandparent is always a good one.  Everyone has a dying grandparent and you’d be asshole-of-the0century if you didn’t display fake sympathy for them.

10. Show proof

When all else fails, prove them wrong.  Take them to the window and point: “See that dirty Acura between those two Tesla’s by the main entrance?  See how early I arrived!! Want lunch?”

read more

Re: TEAM DAY!!!!!!!


Hi team!! It’s Brenda here!! (your favorite HR rep!!! HA!!)

Our Annual Team Day is approaching! (finally!) We’ve had a few false starts, but looks like Mark won’t be on business in Ibiza, a ski holiday, or personal leave this time.

As you’re well aware TechCorp has been through some rough times of late, so we’ve been forced to make some budgetary changes, but I have no doubt this will be the BEST TEAM DAY EVER!! A few of the changes…

– First change you’ll notice is the name. “Annual Team Day” has been renamed, for purposes of accuracy, from “Quarterly Team Day” (you’ll remember the previous year it was named “Quarterly Team Week”). Even though it’s just one day, I promise we’ll pack in FOUR times as much fun!!

– Yup, June 10th is a Saturday. Mark’s weekdays are simply too busy for him to attend, so we’re moving this to Saturday. We thought about Sunday but know it’s a religious day for many of you (Sorry Moshe, you were out voted 20-1). Would you rather be partying with your awesome colleagues or doing boring house chores with your wife?!

read more

Mo’ Money, Mo’ Crap (Part 2)

No matter how much money you earn, you’ll end up with the exact same at the end of the month…zero. For every $10,000/year you earn, you’ll piss it away on more crapola. Look up your salary to see what you’ll be maxing out your credit card on next!

[Read Part 1]

Fitted clothes and skinny jeans | $80,000/year

You’ve slithered your way up the corporate ladder to the point where you’re the dumbest person in the department. You feel like a total fraud. You could excel by working harder than everyone else, but there’s a problem, you don’t give a fuck. The secret is to dress better than everyone else. Wear a tie. Wear a spacesuit! People will think you’re the CEO. You’re already a total jerk, might as well dress like one. Look for clothes marked “fitted” or “skinny”. You’ll be uncomfortable all day, but you’ll look feel less fat.

Fancy wine and beers | $90,000/year

Your dad drinks so much beer he’d be a connoisseur by now, but he instead buys whatever is the cheapest case of light beer – and let’s not even bring up his pink cardboard “wine keg” seemingly attached to the refrigerator floor. Not you – you’ve “discovered” $6 ales. Then $8 pale ales. Then $10 IPA’s. Then $16 corked Belgian ales. To the average person, ales taste like sweat off a marathon runner’s nut sack. But to you, they taste great, cause three nights in a federal prison would turn you into a girl.

read more

Mo’ Money, Mo’ Crap (Part 1)

No matter how much money you earn, you’ll end up with the exact same at the end of the month…zero. For every $10,000/year you earn, you’ll piss it away on more crapola. Look up your salary to see what you’ll be maxing out your credit card on next!

Bigass TV | $30,000/year

A gift to yourself for that promotion at Subway, and your first splurge into the good life. It was no problem fitting that 60″ plasma from Best Buy into the bed of your F-150, then through the screen door to your living room. Yeah, it blocks light coming from the room’s only window, while corners petrude into the hallway creating an obstacle course into the kitchen, but the added exercise should offset the Ranch Doritos. The TV’s manual will be the most reading you’ve done since middle school…if you read it (you won’t). Respect to the Chinamen at Samsung for placing English instructions in the front and not Japanese. Now for some “2 and a Half Men” reruns in muthafuckin’ HD!!

Jacuzzi | $40,000/year

Keeping up with the Jones’s are we?? (You would be, if anyone actually named “Jones” lived your ghetto neighborhood.) Nothing says both class and comfort like a jacuzzi in your backyard. Along with your “Rock Band 2” drum, mic, and guitar set (both lead and bass guitar), your townhouse has transformed into a townHAUS. The jacuzzi takes up half your backyard, but there’s still plenty of space to light afternoon fireworks. You’d ask your neighbor to take down the chain linked fence to build a horseshoe pit, but you don’t know what “horseshoes” is in Spanish. Oh well, can’t wait to FUCK in this jacuzzi!!!

read more

Re: Results from the employee satisfaction survey

Dear KICKASSSSSS TechCorp Team!! (YOU!!)

I wish I could present the results of our latest company satisfaction survey in person as required by HR (Human RESISTANCE! LOL!!!), but as you all know I’m up to my chiny-chin-chin in meetings and traveling. Until they install video conference units into the Virgin Atlantic lounges, we’ll have to do this on e-mail.

Thanks to everyone who participated in the survey, we had a 55% participation rate which is our best yet! Go team go! But allow me to comment on some of the more “polarizing” results if I may…

TechCorp offers career paths in my job
68% Completely Disagree / 22% Somewhat Disagree
Let me tell you a little story about handsome young guy who started at TechCorp seven years ago, worked his way up from manager, fought to senior manager, battled to director, then two sexual harassment accusations and one lawsuit later, is now senior director. It can happen to you too!! (HINT: That person was ME!! :-))

TechCorp values diversity
72% Completely Disagree / 18% Somewhat Disagree
Ummm…I guess none of you have met Jose, Maria, Carlos, Dwayne, or Rogit?? I strongly suggest you take a walk down to Level -2 and introduce yourself (after 6pm of course, when they arrive)

TechCorp’s has high standards for business ethics
94% Completely Disagree / 6% Somewhat Disagree
“Innocent until proven guilty” is a cornerstone of American democracy, and I think each of you should remember that before judging Mr. Roberts and our board of directors.

read more

11 signs you’re an empty husk

You’re intelligent, hard-working, and a leader amongst men. Success is your middle name. Or maybe it’s Steve. You’ve set realistic goals for yourself: Executive Vice President of a large corporation (Not CEO, you’re so humble). But beyond your business card and Twitter account, you’re an empty husk of a human. Test to see how empty you really are…

1. Your most prized possession are your airline miles

There’s a direct flight from San Francisco to Las Vegas, but you’d prefer to piss away five hours of your life with a layover in Los Angeles – all because you collect Delta SkyMiles®. Fortunately you don’t have a life, so those five hours just bring you closer to death. “But I get free upgrades!!” Pay for the upgrade yourself, big spender.

2. Time with your family is hell on earth

You know that feeling you get seeing your kids after a long business trip? Those unproductive, needy wastes of space are the #1 reason you haven’t made Vice President yet. Maybe by the time they’re grown ups, Pfizer will have invented that home hysterectomy pill, so they won’t make your same mistakes. God damn FDA.

3. Everyone is boring

Did you hear about the tsunami in Asia? Or that new war in the North Africa? Of course you didn’t, you only follow news from your super important industry. Talking to “civilians” couldn’t be more boring. They know absolutely NOTHING about your company and the differences between airport lounges. And what else is there in life, really?

4.Becoming a “Director” is your biggest achievement in life thus far

You had no hopes and dreams as a child, so you’re completely content in devoting your “life” to marketing. Brag to your old high school enemies on Facebook about all the cool Asian business trips you’re going on. “Ughh…I only got Business Class to Singapore and not First Class! LIFE SUCKS!!!!!!”

read more

5 Ways to be a Workaholic to avoid Family and Life Ambitions

You’ve gotten hooked on the good life: Sushi nine times a week. Pre-orders on Apple products. Legal hairloss pills. The seafood counter at Whole Foods. Caucasian house cleaners. Window seats in the emergency exit rows. Trimmed pubes.

Unfortunately the good life comes at a cost: Your kids don’t know it yet, but they hate you. You’re consistently 6-9 pounds overweight. You haven’t beaten a video game since college. The most creative thing you’ve done in a decade is a PowerPoint-slide-turned-PDF. It’s been years since your wife has seen those trimmed pubes up close.

You’re a loser. But you have money and a “career” – so you’re a workaholic! Sure, you could find an easier job and take a pay cut – and spend more time working on your back yard?? Sike! Here’s five tips on being a workaholic and proving to the world that you’re NOT a loser…

read more

  • White supremacists chanted "The Jews will not replace us!" So let's replace those 4 Baltimore monuments with statues of the Seinfeld cast.
  • There are BOTH SIDES to violence. Take North Korea for instance. We should really share the blame equally with Kim Jung Un. It's 50-50.
  • CTRL + ALT + DELETE + RIGHT SHIT
  • It took Trump two days to denounce Nazis, but only one day to denounce that denouncement.
  • Hey Republicans - think about how much tax dollars Democrats are saving you by tearing down those confederate monuments themselves!

Buy my fucking book! (please)


 

Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

Better!

Funner!

Better!

Funner!