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  • Republicans be like: “We should lock up crackheads!” and then “I can’t stop eating M&M’s, they’re like crack!”
  • You know you drink too much if you want alcohol, but are bored of beer, wine, and liquor.
  • Solving the gun crisis by adding more guns is like curing a hangover with more booze, it’s…wait, nevermind, this analogy isn’t helping.
  • If airlines charge heavyset people for an extra seat, I should be able to murder people whose chargers take up two sockets.
  • Instagram is NOT a marijuana delivery service.

Buy my fucking book! (please)


 

Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

Better!

Funner!

Better!

Funner!