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How my book’s cover was designed

My book has a couple 1-star ratings on Amazon. Both reviewers admittedly didn’t read it, but judged the book by its cover…

I have not read this book, but I just have a question for the author regarding the cover of the book. I would like to ask, why did you use brown hands for the guy who is holding the Finnish girl on the cover page? Is that just out of mere coincedence or was there a reason for it??


I think it is strange too that the cover has brown nands, as if to say that all brown men really want to ge their hands on a white woman from the far North. Brown people can be happy with their own too.

Whoa!! What’s wrong with that guy? He capitalized “North”!?

Here’s the final cover…


Designing the front cover of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” was exciting and I wanted to be involved in the process. As a marketer I know the importance of retail packaging. And as a PR guy I know the importance of building buzz. A book’s cover is its first impression. So naturally I wanted something striking and intriguing.

My editor hooked me up with the super talented, and super patient, graphic designer Laura Noponen and basically gave us free rein. My editor never suggested a photographer for the cover. I guess my face would deter customers.

Here was my original pitch to Laura…

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Top 10 coolest dudes named Phil

With an title like that, you know “Schwarzmann” won’t be anywhere close to this list.

We Phil’s get little respect. No superhero, or just plain ol’ hero, is named Phil. If you ever see a guy named Phil in a movie, he’s about to get shot. Or he’s gay. Or even worse, he’s straight-but-should-be-gay. And not manly bear-gay either, but metrosexual-gay.

Phil’s are weaselly, annoying, arrogant, short, supporting actors, geeky-but-not-in-a-good-way, about to get shot, gay, or all of the above. On the plus side, we’re often wealthy, educated, possibly royalty, sensitive to women, milky white, funny, having large genitalia, doing well with “the ladies”, or liars.

Though Phil’s hate being Phil’s, we still think our name is cooler than “Caleb”.

But, there are a few shining Phil’s who refused to be reduced down to a common stereotype. Here’s the top ten coolest dudes who’s making life a lot easier for us guys named Phil…


10. Phil Margera from Jackass

Bam Margera’s dad who took every prank like a man.


9. Phil Lesh of The Grateful Dead

Phil’s are accepted in the hippie community and it’s all thanks to the founder of the Grateful Dead.


8. South Park’s Phillip (from Terrance and Phillip)

We Phil’s now have a viable excuse to fart in public.

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Jon Hamm’s penis affirms there is no God

I’ve been on the fence about atheism. But after seeing Jon Hamm’s penis this week, there’s undeniable proof: There is no God.

Jon Hamm burst out of nowhere in 2007 as the ridiculously handsome lead on AMC’s Mad Men. The show’s not even that good. It’s literally an episode of “I Dream of Genie” played in slow motion. The whole thing is an excuse to see Jon Hamm hang out in a suit. You might as well stare at a Jon Hamm screensaver for 60 minutes.

As if his looks and fame weren’t enough, he’s FUNNY!! Whether it be Bridesmaids, hosting SNL, appearances on Conan, 30 Rock, or seated between two ferns, he kills. Even for a male, you’re not supposed to be attractive AND funny.

Jon Hamm is magical. Toss in millions of dollars, a hot wife, and the ability to chain smoke without getting cancer (cancer wasn’t invented until 1971) and he’s a modern-day saint. He even has standards, he refuses to sleep with Elisabeth Moss! Jon Hamm is like donuts, there’s nothing he can’t do.

So, it would make absolute sense Jon Hamm has a small penis, right? Nobody’s perfect. God is supposed to be fair and just. Surely with all the pain and suffering in the world, God wouldn’t create such a perfect creature. I mean, there’s starving people in Africa!!

Alas, Jon Hamm is packing heat…

Circumcision has risen 19% since the posting of this photo

…no God would ever allow THAT to happen. Therefore we are all just accidental byproduct of random events. No higher power could be so cruel as to flood New Orleans, destroy the Twin Towers, or attach a hog to Jon Hamm.

Or, maybe, Jon Hamm is God. It’s been promised that Jesus will return to Earth. He would naturally want to be charismatic, funny, and wield a large scepter. With a sense of humor like Hamm’s, Jesus may finally win over the Jews.

So the next time you’re debating Christianity with family over Thanksgiving dinner, remind them of Jon Hamm’s ham, and win that argument.

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My Top 10 Apple iOS6 Maps jokes

Consumers and the media love to hate Apple, especially when they screw up, like they did with the release of Maps for iOS6. Few have tried it, but that doesn’t stop us from trashing it. So I took to Twitter (@philschwarzmann) this morning to write some iOS6 Maps jokes. Here’s my Top 10…

#10 London looks like complete crap in iOS6 Maps!! They finally got that right.

#9 Found the problem: iOS6 Maps’ “Earthquake Simulation Mode” default setting is ‘ON’.

#8 proclaims: “Beautifully designed from the ground up, iOS6 Maps changes the way you see all 37 states.”

#7 Apple removed street view from iOS6 Maps because they were too scared to drive through East Baltimore.

#6 I searched for “New Orleans” on iOS6 Maps and got another blue screen of death.

#5 I failed my high school geography exam because I cheated and used iOS6 Maps.

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Re: TEAM DAY!!!!!!!

Hi team!! It’s Brenda here!! (your favorite HR rep!!! HA!!)

Our Annual Team Day is approaching! (finally!) We’ve had a few false starts, but looks like Mark won’t be on business in Ibiza, a ski holiday, or personal leave this time.

As you’re well aware TechCorp has been through some rough times of late, so we’ve been forced to make some budgetary changes, but I have no doubt this will be the BEST TEAM DAY EVER!! A few of the changes…

– First change you’ll notice is the name. “Annual Team Day” has been renamed, for purposes of accuracy, from “Quarterly Team Day” (you’ll remember the previous year it was named “Quarterly Team Week”). Even though it’s just one day, I promise we’ll pack in FOUR times as much fun!!

– Yup, June 10th is a Saturday. Mark’s weekdays are simply too busy for him to attend, so we’re moving this to Saturday. We thought about Sunday but know it’s a religious day for many of you (Sorry Moshe, you were out voted 20-1). Would you rather be partying with your awesome colleagues or doing boring house chores with your wife?!

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Forgot your password? No problem! Just enter your e-mail address and we’ll get you right back on track.

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The Ultimate Slut Test

Your friends call you a slut, your mom agrees, your boyfriend isn’t sure, your ex-boyfriend is sure, and your dad knows first hand. But are you really? Take this 10 question quiz to find out. Give yourself one point each time you say YES…

1. Have you had a sex with an OB/GYN?
– Was it a hot young woman just out of med school?
– Was it an older man decades out of med school?
– Was it Bill Cosby?

2. Have you had a threesome?
– Was it with the cast of Three’s Company?
– Was John Ritter stiff?

3. Have you joined the “Mile High Club”?
– Have you had a club sandwich at Mile High?
– Ever had Subway’s seafood and crab sub?
– The whole 12″?

4. Have you ever had a “golden shower”?
– Did your partner just eat asparagus?
– Were you secretly craving Hollandaise sauce?

5. Have you had sex while blind-folded?
– Were you at a children’s birthday party?
– Was there a live donkey?
– Dead honkey?

Read the last five questions and get your slutty answers…

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Buy my fucking book! (please)


Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

About Better! Funner!


Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!