Click me:

Man Debates Whether or Not to Go to Gym From Bed

SAN FRANCISCO – With his exercise shoes, socks, shorts, shirt and towel neatly laid out on his dresser, area man Phillip Schwarzmann is debating whether or not to go the gym from the comfort of his own bed.

Coming to full consciousness at 6:35am after hearing just three separate iPhone alarms, Phillip would have plenty of time for his morning workout pre-routine of fat-free Greek yoghurt, granola and several minutes of Facebooking before he departs for the gym.

“I’ve exercised five times this week. I have a great streak going and am in the zone! So maybe I deserve a day off,” says Phillip lying peacefully naked underneath his cozy covers.

At 100% battery life, Phillip’s smartphone and Bluetooth stereo headset are fully charged and ready for a vigorous workout including many songs from his self-curated “BANGERZ FOR THE GYM!!!!” playlist.

“I went overboard with the carbs last night, so I really should get in a solid 30 minutes of cardio and 30 of upper body. But I should really get a head start on work e-mails,” he says while strategically propping up three pillows in order to perfectly align his back and neck.

Beside him, Phillip’s wife of three years lies fast asleep, only punching through two of her iPhone alarms with an estimated 4-8 remaining depending if the family dog leaps onto the bed to engage in something called “snuggling”.

At press time Phillip’s Macbook Pro rests on his lap streaming the previous night’s episode of Portlandia. Still contemplating a quick 30 minute jog, Phillip remains in a relaxed state of immobility and self-loathing.

 

Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at: www.philschwarzmann.com

Buy my fucking book! (please)


 

Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

  • I typed "Phil Schwarzmann net worth" into Google and it yielded zero results, which is spot on.
  • Will Spacey, Franken, Weinstein and others be recognized at this year’s Oscars IN MEMORIAM segment?
  • Apple, at this point, I'm not purchasing more iCloud space out of PURE SPITE.
  • I know for a fact that there's no chocolate around the house, yet, I'm searching the cupboards anyway.
  • “Hey let’s hunt down old acquaintances of someone and convince them to lie and say they were sexually assaulted by… https://t.co/oFm5QtnyKx
  • If the next wave of sexual allegations is simply about “bad sex”, I am going to get fucking roasted.
  • I hope “That’s what she said!” is next on list of sexual harassment jokes to disappear forever. I’m tired of being… https://t.co/2AsEaso4bg

About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

Better!

Funner!

Better!

Funner!