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Man Debates Whether or Not to Go to Gym From Bed

SAN FRANCISCO – With his exercise shoes, socks, shorts, shirt and towel neatly laid out on his dresser, area man Phillip Schwarzmann is debating whether or not to go the gym from the comfort of his own bed.

Coming to full consciousness at 6:35am after hearing just three separate iPhone alarms, Phillip would have plenty of time for his morning workout pre-routine of fat-free Greek yoghurt, granola and several minutes of Facebooking before he departs for the gym.

“I’ve exercised five times this week. I have a great streak going and am in the zone! So maybe I deserve a day off,” says Phillip lying peacefully naked underneath his cozy covers.

At 100% battery life, Phillip’s smartphone and Bluetooth stereo headset are fully charged and ready for a vigorous workout including many songs from his self-curated “BANGERZ FOR THE GYM!!!!” playlist.

“I went overboard with the carbs last night, so I really should get in a solid 30 minutes of cardio and 30 of upper body. But I should really get a head start on work e-mails,” he says while strategically propping up three pillows in order to perfectly align his back and neck.

Beside him, Phillip’s wife of three years lies fast asleep, only punching through two of her iPhone alarms with an estimated 4-8 remaining depending if the family dog leaps onto the bed to engage in something called “snuggling”.

At press time Phillip’s Macbook Pro rests on his lap streaming the previous night’s episode of Portlandia. Still contemplating a quick 30 minute jog, Phillip remains in a relaxed state of immobility and self-loathing.

 

Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at: www.philschwarzmann.com

Buy my fucking book! (please)


 

Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

  • Republicans be like: “We should lock up crackheads!” and then “I can’t stop eating M&M’s, they’re like crack!”
  • You know you drink too much if you want alcohol, but are bored of beer, wine, and liquor.
  • Solving the gun crisis by adding more guns is like curing a hangover with more booze, it’s…wait, nevermind, this analogy isn’t helping.
  • If airlines charge heavyset people for an extra seat, I should be able to murder people whose chargers take up two sockets.
  • Instagram is NOT a marijuana delivery service.
  • The United States says, “No one treats its poor people worse than us!” and the United Kingdom be like, “Hold my beer…”
  • I’m fine with cops shooting people when they “feel” scared for their lives, as long as citizens are allowed to shoot cops when scared.

About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

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