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How to Roll into Work 2 Hours Late and Not Get Caught

There’s a million legitimate reasons not to arrive at work on time.  Extra sleep, less traffic, alcoholism, extra-long masturbation session, or just general who-gives-a-shitness.

Show up at 9am?  All the good parking spots are taken.  Park in the back underneath the pine tree and watch sap slowly deteriorate the paint job on your 2003 Acura.  

Show up at 11am?  Some executive has already left for his noon tugjob leaving an available space near the front door.  LIKE A BOSS!

YOUR SUPERVISOR ISN’T WHO YOU NEED TO WORRY ABOUT

The boss has your best interests at heart.  If you look bad, they look bad, so they got your back.  The true enemy against laziness is that low-level manager who arrives daily at 7am…and takes every opportunity they can to brag about it.

“I need to leave early at 4pm today, but I HAVE been here since 7am!”
“I get in before most the execs!”
“I’m hungry at 11:30 because I eat breakfast at 5:30! LOL!!”

Cunts.  These are the most dangerous people in the company.  With an inflated sense of self-worth, these losers believe they’ll reach the C-Level by perching in their cubes 12 hours per day.  They’ll bust your tardiness any chance they can.

“Nice of you to join us!”
“…Well good afternoon to you!”
“…Did you get that e-mail?…”

Ever wondered why there’s no everything-bagels left on bagel Tuesdays?  THESE WASTES-OF-SPACE ATE THEM!!!

WHY THEY ARRIVE AT 7AM

These soulless creatures can only achieve satisfaction through office life.  Their spouses despise them, their kids barely know them and they have zero hobbies outside of work.  They haven’t touched themselves in weeks for fear of remembering a meaningful, fulfilling life they once had.  Would you rather dress your snottyass kid in the morning?  Or pretend you have an “important” 7am meeting?  The choice is obvious.

Their only interests outside the office are cars, collecting airline miles, fancy restaurants and jogging on a treadmill.  Each evening they wash down their Zoloft® with several glasses of “Cab” and are in bed by 9 o’clock.

These people will be Vice Presidents of the company one day.

10 WAYS TO FOOL’EM

While the fun police are busy projecting their own unhappiness onto you, here’s a few tips on how to fool ’em into thinking you’ve been working even harder than they!

1. Turn off your screensaver

Leave your monitor on 24/7.  Load up some PowerPoint presentation.  Keep an extra jacket on your chair.  Buy an identical man-bag and leave it on your cubicle floor.  Turn on all your lamps.  It’ll look like you’re at the office.  This is also helpful when you want to escape at 3pm.

2. Block off mornings in your calendar

Nosey colleagues will check Outlook to see if you’re in meetings.   Block off 6-11am each morning.  Your calendar should look a bad game of Tetris.

3. Send bullshit responses to e-mails

When you wake up at 8:30am, send out some quick e-mails.  Responses like, “I’m on it!…”  “…Is this meeting still on?…”  “…What’s the status on this?”  Don’t forget to “Reply All” for maximum effect.

4. Don’t every say “HI!” to anyone, ever

Saying “HI!” to co-workers in the hallway is for people who arrive at 9am.  By 9:30 everyone has gotten that pretentious crap out of the way.  They’ve passed everybody in the hallway at least three times and a “Morning!” has morphed into an awkward head nod.  Give an awkward head nod.

5. Pretend to be on the phone

When you arrive to your team’s cubicles, fake a conference call.  Look stressed, like you’ve been on calls since 5am.  Wave around a wad of papers.  Your co-workers are pretending to be stressed too, they’ll get it.  They’ve been working on some clever, personalized passive-aggressive comment to give you for three hours.  Don’t give them the opportunity.

6. Attack is the best defense

Like an inmate on his first day in prison, you gotta attack the first motherfucker you see.  Ask them on the status of that e-mail you sent them 30 seconds prior.  Accuse THEM of being late!  “Where have you been all morning?  I haven’t seen you!  I’ve been looking for you!  Want lunch?”

7. “I was on the phone with Asia all night!”

Name an entire fucking continent.  Say you’ve been knee deep in meetings with said continent.  This is somehow a logical excuse.

8. Admit you were late

Honesty is the best remedy.  But don’t be too honest.  When you roll up at 11, sheepishly offer up that you arrived at 9:30.  Blame traffic.

9. Have an excuse ready

In the rare chance you get busted, have an excuse ready.  Don’t use “sick kids” because everyone hates kids, especially men.  Dying grandparent is always a good one.  Everyone has a dying grandparent and you’d be asshole-of-the century if you didn’t display fake sympathy for them.

10. Show proof

When all else fails, prove them wrong.  Take them to the window and point: “See that dirty Acura between those two Teslas by the main entrance?  See how early I arrived!! Want lunch?”

 

Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at: www.philschwarzmann.com

  • Expat in Finland

    Ha, that is corporate America for you. Everyone is concerned about climbing the ladder and “face-time” in the office is a big deal. In Finland no one seems to give a shit when people come and go. Heck I work like 8:30 – 3:30 and I still work longer hours than most of my co-workers.

Buy my fucking book! (please)


 

Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

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About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

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