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A Mom’s Guide to the Oscar Best Pictures

The 2013 Oscars are over and the nominees are beginning to be released for the masses on DVD, Blu-ray and Netflix. The critics have weighed in, the film geeks have watched, and the jury has decided. But what about the world’s most beloved demographic? That’s right… Moms.

Moms aren’t like you and me. They have different wants, needs, and desires. While we might be impressed with brilliant directing, stunning cinematography, and impeccable acting, Moms demand more.

Better! Funner! rounded up nine Moms for each of the nine Best Picture nominees and asked for their exclusive reviews. For Moms, by Moms.

 

argoARGO (Winner) by Joyce Meyers, divorced mother of 2

Ben Affleck! Can that man get any more handsome? Am I right?? And how about that beard? Umph! Just like a lumberjack! He can chop down my bush. He can smuggle me out of an embassy, unless it’s the Embassy Suites!! Jennifer Lopez was never a good fit for him. So happy to see him with a nice girl like Jennifer Garner. Two thumbs up? No, three FINGERS up!

 

lincolnLincoln by Debbie McCarthy, Boston, mother of 3

If you have one movie to see this year, make it Lincoln! Like I did. When you have three kids, you just don’t have time for movies anymore. My husband and I had just one date night last year, and I chose Lincoln because I knew it would be educational for the kids. And it was!

 

djangoDjango Unchained by Melissa Meadows, Savannah, mother of 2

I didn’t see this movie. It’s too violent and too grotesque. Is that really necessary? All that blood and guts. Not for me. Couldn’t they have showed slavery in a different light? Why the brutality? Just to shock audiences and sell tickets? Oh, and I heard they used the n-word too.

 

beastsBeasts of the Southern Wild by Monique Washington, Baltimore, single mother of 3

Hated this stupid movie. First off, the popcorn didn’t have enough butter, and it was that powdered butter, not the good shit. Second, this BITCH behind me kept Shhh-ing me! Telling me to get off my cell phone. BITCH PLEASE!! And third, I didn’t appreciate it when the theater staff escorted me out the theater. I was in the middle of a GOD DAMN PHONE CALL.

 

amourAmour by Donna Davis, Little Rock, mother of 2

I love foreign films. I mean, films are foreign to me, ever since I had kids. Movies are the first thing to go. Well, after romance and sex. How à propos that I was asked to screen a French movie, because I took two years of French in high school! See how I used “à propos” there? It’s French! I’ve always wanted to visit France, but I heard the people are assholes. Plus, I have kids now.

 

silverSilver Lining’s Playbook by Lucy O’Malley, Chicago, mother of 4

A story about two adults who still live at home?? That’s just bad parenting right there. What went wrong? Didn’t they sign up their kids for soccer? Or take their kids to piano practice? No, they just medicate kids today. Bipolar disorder? Baloney! All those kids needed was a little TLC and a paint set.

 

lesmisLes Misérables by Michelle Baldwin, Portland, mother of 2

Too much singing. Way too much singing. If I want singing I’ll get behind the wheel of my 2006 Dodge Grand Caravan with the wood panels, pop in Steve Winwood’s “Back in the High Life Again” cassette, and just coast on down to my daughter’s theater practice.

 

zerodarkZero Dark Thirty by Laura Smith, Duluth, mother of 3

So realistic! It took years to capture Osama Bin Laden, while the movie took equally as long. It’s like, GET TO THE POINT ALREADY!! All that free time during the film I could have been multitasking – doing the dishes, doing the laundry, paying bills, posting photos of my daughter on Facebook. Movies are great, but who has the time??

 

lifeofpiLife of Pi by Renee McDonald, Richmond, mother of 6

So a boy is trapped on a boat for weeks? Try being trapped with six kids FOR A LIFETIME!! That boat seemed small, but try living with eight people in a TWO BEDROOM APARTMENT!! That tiger looked vicious, but not as vicious as a UNEMPLOYED ABUSIVE ALCOHOLIC HUSBAND! Pi, I’m jealous of your life.

 

Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at: www.philschwarzmann.com

Buy my fucking book! (please)


 

Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

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About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

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