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My First Week Without a Nokia

Just paid my first phone bill in ten years. TEN!! And AT&T wants $115 of my not-so-hard earned money. $115!! Is this what you people have been paying?? Now I know how they fund their incessant advertising.

I miss the perks of working for a mobile phone manufacturer. Now that they no longer pay my phone bill, I had to ask a friend if dialing a land line is included in my plan’s “minutes”. He laughed. Then I asked him how much it costs to drunk dial foreign countries. We laughed. Oh, how I’ll miss drunk dialing foreign countries.

Also, I haven’t paid for my own phone in ten years. Better yet, I haven’t owned a non-Nokia phone EVER. My first phone, last phone, and everything in between, was a Nokia – another perk of working for a mobile phone manufacturer – I would get a latest and greatest phone every 3-4 months. Or whenever I accidentally broke a phone. Or whenever I threw my phone across the room. Some people throw the TV remote across the room. If you know you can get a free new phone the next day, you often send a phone to get the remote.

I’ve had to learn what a “bumper” is. Apparently when civilians scratch a phone they need to stare at said scratch for up to two years. Insanity!! So people hide their gorgeous iPhone’s in thick, brownish, disease-infeststed rubber from which they purchased from an Israeli-operated shack on level 3 of Westfield mall.

So until the gorgeous Nokia Lumia 920 comes out, I thought I’d kill time with an Android device. I’ve been making fun of Android for years, might as well try it out. It’s like Americans and foreign countries, they don’t have to visit to already hate it.

I purchased a Google Nexus so I can switch to Straight Talk and give my posterior a break from AT&T’s onslaught. Is this what the general public want in a phone??? I could Hulk Hogan the cheap plastic in half with my bare hands. I’ve had easier time putting on condoms than inserting the Nexus’ flimsy back cover.

On the plus side, I need not worry about dropping it, it’s already ugly as snot. In fact, I’ve already put a nice scratch in the glass. It’s obviously not the gorilla-infused glass I’m accustomed to.

And now for the software – Did Google outsource the design of each individual Android screen to a Korean child animator working in silos? There’s zero consistency in the UI. It’s full of buried menus and Windows 95-style icons. The whole thing feels like a dirty apartment, or worse, Symbian. Google and Samsung seriously need to take a page out of Nokia, Microsoft, and Apple’s design playbook.

That being said – I’m using my Android phone more than any other phone I’ve ever had. I no longer have to wait years for popular apps to become available. I can multitask without waiting hours for apps to pop back up. And my favorite feature of them all…a notifications center.

Mmmmmm….notifications center.


Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at:

  • Ricky Cadden

    So glad you wrote this.

    • harrisja

      Phil – this is all blasphemy. Ricky – I knew you’d say that.

      • Phil Schwarzmann

        I think everyone agrees that Android is ugly, the Nexus is cheap plastic, AT&T is overpriced, and Nokia has great designs.

        • Bryan Harris

          Every single comment above —-^ just made my day =) GREAT post; I’m glad you took the plunge instead of me.

    • Phil Schwarzmann

      So glad you read this.

  • James Whatley

    Great words.

  • Rafe Blandford

    On the downside less people laugh with you for using a Nokia. Or is that at you. I can’t really remember.

Buy my fucking book! (please)


Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

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About Better! Funner!


Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!