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Vampire Tim Lincecum

Be on the lookout for VAMPIRE TIM LINCECUM!! He was bitten and turned from a human starting pitcher, into a relief pitcher. He drinks tiger blood.


Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at:

Buy my fucking book! (please)


Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

  • The CDC are asking Americans to stop hoarding podcasting supplies.
  • I’m like the San Francisco Giants winning World Series - I only take showers on even-numbered days.
  • The best thing about video conferencing with the family is that instead of fighting with each other, you’re fightin…
  • Got an important video conference that I need to look my best for. Should I go with swim trunks or basketball shorts?
  • Updated for April 2020.
  • I kinda like how every time I leave the house, there's a chance I might die. Reminds me of back home in Baltimore.
  • You ever been so drunk you watchin TV and scream, “WHY ARENT THESE PEOPLE SOCIAL DISTANCING?!?!?”

About Better! Funner!


Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!