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I interpret Wu-Tang Clan’s “The Projects”

The Projects” off the Wu-Tang Clan’s 1997 “Wu-Tang Forever” album has always been one of my favorite hip-hop tracks. In particular, the third and final verse written and performed by my all-time favorite rapper Ghostface Killah AKA Ironman AKA Ghostdeini AKA Tony Starks AKA Dennis Coles.

Apparently, someone forget to tell Ghost he was supposed to rap about “The Projects”. The song is more about vaginas, expletives, and hilarity, which is probably why I love it.

I’ve memorized the track but never really understood the lyrics. So I’ve broken down the verse, line by line, and attempted to interpret Ghostface’s deep symbolism…

 

Suck my dick it’s the kid with the fat knob

Perform oral sex on me, because I’m the young man with the large penis you’ve probably heard about.

 

I bust all into ya face, plus it come in globs

When I ejaculate, I will purposefully target your face. My semen will be thick and lumpy.

 

Quick get on your knees, with yo’ sweet pussy let it breathe

For me to properly ejaculate on your face, you’ll need to lower your body. Try kneeling. Make haste as my orgasm is moments away. Also, spread your legs, let your vagina get some air.

 

Two fingers is all in your hole, think I can fit three

Being the gentleman I am, I will ensure we BOTH reach a sexual climax. I’m stimulating your G-spot with my two fingers. I wonder, can I fit three fingers into your vagina? Yes.

 

Your pink lips, spread it in shit, let me throw my dick in

Spread your vagina (if it isn’t already) and allow me to heave my penis inside you. It’s apparently already erect again. Awesome.

 

Grab my shit and place it gently, on your clit

Take hold of my erect penis and place it, ever so delicately, onto your clitoris. But trust me, be gentle, my penis is larger than average penises and my hurt you. This has happened with other women in the past.

 

Ping-pong pussy, wide world of wombs titty saggin

Back and forth, my penis goes from stimulating your clitoris to your G-spot, similar to a friendly game of ping-pong. Also, and please don’t take any offense, your stomach could be holding a child and your breasts have begun to lose their density.

 

Stomach on some scriveled up prune shit

You’ve recently given birth and due to the labor, and your lack of exercise, your stomach is visually similar to that of a prune.

 

Too much air in your pussy you screamin that it’s TALKIN TO YOU DADDY,

During sexual intercourse, my thrusts have pushed air until your vagina has reached its maximum capacity. Loud sounds are made, and I interpret these sounds as your vagina, figuratively, speaking to me.

 

fart’s breathin out your lips splashin my dick badly

Not only does the compressed air in your vagina make an audible sound, its vibrations are felt on my penis. This is a problem.

 

Use vinegar, to try to tighten up your ginger

Remember before when we were talking about your recent pregnancy? Well here’s some unsolicited advice: If you feel your newborn had stretched your vagina to unpleasurable levels, try vinegar.

 

All-mighty dick, ran in with a cape, some call him engine

My penis could be compared to Superman or possibly Batman. Other women have compared my penis to a powerful V8 engine.

 

Lightning rod bob, black candy cane attatched to God

More penis analogies: My penis is like a lighting rod. It’s like a candy cane, as it can be licked and is curved at the end. God is black.

 

Thick, like a great adventure cigar, in your garage

In case you’re still unclear about the size of my penis, it’s thick. Cigars are also thick. Something about a garage.

 

Pregnant pussy have you fall out, like Remi on the house

???

 

Watch the teeth for slobbin my shit

When performing oral sex be mindful of your teeth making contact with my penis.

 

You bit it on the couch, dry pussy leave the friction burns

I hate to beat a dead horse here, but, last time you performed oral sex on me, we were on the couch and you accidentally bit my penis. That hurt. And a bit of a non-sequitur here, but, when your vagina isn’t moist, the friction from our genitals burns my skin.

 

Plus beef I hone, the condom broke

I think I’m starting a fight here. Ooops, by the way, the condom I was using had just ripped.

 

Bitch you got AIDS I’m shakin in my bones

I just remembered, you have AIDS, and we were having unprotected sex. I’m very worried.

 

The End.

 

Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at: www.philschwarzmann.com

  • FVM

    Hahaha, this is gold, had to laugh out loud. I still miss your old Finland for Thought blog though. There is a gaping hole in the blogosphere for satire about Finland!

    • Mitchel

      I agree about the lack of satire in Finland. I’m helping in my own modest way.
      finnishlight.blogspot.com

  • Mitchel

    I almost pissed myself laughing. :)

Buy my fucking book! (please)


 

Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

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About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

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