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Top 10 coolest dudes named Phil

With an title like that, you know “Schwarzmann” won’t be anywhere close to this list.

We Phil’s get little respect. No superhero, or just plain ol’ hero, is named Phil. If you ever see a guy named Phil in a movie, he’s about to get shot. Or he’s gay. Or even worse, he’s straight-but-should-be-gay. And not manly bear-gay either, but metrosexual-gay.

Phil’s are weaselly, annoying, arrogant, short, supporting actors, geeky-but-not-in-a-good-way, about to get shot, gay, or all of the above. On the plus side, we’re often wealthy, educated, possibly royalty, sensitive to women, milky white, funny, having large genitalia, doing well with “the ladies”, or liars.

Though Phil’s hate being Phil’s, we still think our name is cooler than “Caleb”.

But, there are a few shining Phil’s who refused to be reduced down to a common stereotype. Here’s the top ten coolest dudes who’s making life a lot easier for us guys named Phil…

 

10. Phil Margera from Jackass

Bam Margera’s dad who took every prank like a man.



 

9. Phil Lesh of The Grateful Dead

Phil’s are accepted in the hippie community and it’s all thanks to the founder of the Grateful Dead.



 

8. South Park’s Phillip (from Terrance and Phillip)

We Phil’s now have a viable excuse to fart in public.



 

7. Bradley Cooper as Phil from “The Hangover”

C”mon, how awesome is that guy?



 

6. Bill Murray and a groundhog named Phil in Groundhog Day.

Bill Murray crushed in that role and is a living legend.



 

5. Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Two reasons: 1) Uncle Phil was a fucking badass and showed how not all black Phil’s are poindexters. 2) Fresh Prince of Bel Air’s reoccurring gag where Uncle Phil would toss DJ Jazzy Jeff out the front door, is one of the funniest things of my youth.



 

4. Phil from Sopranos

A mob boss named Phil!?!? That may void my whole point.



 

3. Philip Seymour Hoffman

Could be the best actor working today.



 

2. Phil Hartman

This should really be a tie for first. The man that got me and so many others hooked on SNL.



 

1. Philip K Dick

Total Recall, Blade Runner, Minority Report, A Scanner Darkly, Screamers, Ubik, are just a fraction of his writing.



 

A special HALL OF PHIL SHAME award goes to Anthony Hopkins for using middle name instead of his real first name, and to Johnny Knoxville for changing his God-given name to the coolest name ever.

 

Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at: www.philschwarzmann.com

  • Mikie G

    You forgot my favorite Phillip. http://www.phillipthemeatbox.com

    • http://www.philschwarzmann.com/ Phil Schwarzmann

      Ummm…..yeah. Mine too.

  • jbc

    What about Thin Lizzy’s Phil Lynott. Possibly the coolest Phil ever to exist.

    • http://www.philschwarzmann.com/ Phil Schwarzmann

      Had to Google him. His hair alone deserves a spot on the Top 10 list.

  • phil deez

    uncle phil from fresh prince?

  • SouthAfrican

    South African Phil here,
    I had this same dilemma. In movies and such “Phil” is normally pasty, or the arrogant douche, very often with a British accent. Rare was there a depiction of a Phil that had any semblance of cool.
    Phil from Modern Family kinda sealed this.

    But there is another very cool Philip – just nobody knows he’s actually Philip.

    Lip, from Shameless. The guy is a genius, loyal, and a badass brawler.

Buy my fucking book! (please)


 

Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

  • Republicans be like: “We should lock up crackheads!” and then “I can’t stop eating M&M’s, they’re like crack!”
  • You know you drink too much if you want alcohol, but are bored of beer, wine, and liquor.
  • Solving the gun crisis by adding more guns is like curing a hangover with more booze, it’s…wait, nevermind, this analogy isn’t helping.
  • If airlines charge heavyset people for an extra seat, I should be able to murder people whose chargers take up two sockets.
  • Instagram is NOT a marijuana delivery service.
  • The United States says, “No one treats its poor people worse than us!” and the United Kingdom be like, “Hold my beer…”
  • I’m fine with cops shooting people when they “feel” scared for their lives, as long as citizens are allowed to shoot cops when scared.

About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

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