I’ve been on the fence about atheism. But after seeing Jon Hamm’s penis this week, there’s undeniable proof: There is no God.
Jon Hamm burst out of nowhere in 2007 as the ridiculously handsome lead on AMC’s Mad Men. The show’s not even that good. It’s literally an episode of “I Dream of Genie” played in slow motion. The whole thing is an excuse to see Jon Hamm hang out in a suit. You might as well stare at a Jon Hamm screensaver for 60 minutes.
As if his looks and fame weren’t enough, he’s FUNNY!! Whether it be Bridesmaids, hosting SNL, appearances on Conan, 30 Rock, or seated between two ferns, he kills. Even for a male, you’re not supposed to be attractive AND funny.
Jon Hamm is magical. Toss in millions of dollars, a hot wife, and the ability to chain smoke without getting cancer (cancer wasn’t invented until 1971) and he’s a modern-day saint. He even has standards, he refuses to sleep with Elisabeth Moss! Jon Hamm is like donuts, there’s nothing he can’t do.
So, it would make absolute sense Jon Hamm has a small penis, right? Nobody’s perfect. God is supposed to be fair and just. Surely with all the pain and suffering in the world, God wouldn’t create such a perfect creature. I mean, there’s starving people in Africa!!
Alas, Jon Hamm is packing heat…
…no God would ever allow THAT to happen. Therefore we are all just accidental byproduct of random events. No higher power could be so cruel as to flood New Orleans, destroy the Twin Towers, or attach a hog to Jon Hamm.
Or, maybe, Jon Hamm is God. It’s been promised that Jesus will return to Earth. He would naturally want to be charismatic, funny, and wield a large scepter. With a sense of humor like Hamm’s, Jesus may finally win over the Jews.
So the next time you’re debating Christianity with family over Thanksgiving dinner, remind them of Jon Hamm’s ham, and win that argument.