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Jon Hamm’s penis affirms there is no God

I’ve been on the fence about atheism. But after seeing Jon Hamm’s penis this week, there’s undeniable proof: There is no God.

Jon Hamm burst out of nowhere in 2007 as the ridiculously handsome lead on AMC’s Mad Men. The show’s not even that good. It’s literally an episode of “I Dream of Genie” played in slow motion. The whole thing is an excuse to see Jon Hamm hang out in a suit. You might as well stare at a Jon Hamm screensaver for 60 minutes.

As if his looks and fame weren’t enough, he’s FUNNY!! Whether it be Bridesmaids, hosting SNL, appearances on Conan, 30 Rock, or seated between two ferns, he kills. Even for a male, you’re not supposed to be attractive AND funny.

Jon Hamm is magical. Toss in millions of dollars, a hot wife, and the ability to chain smoke without getting cancer (cancer wasn’t invented until 1971) and he’s a modern-day saint. He even has standards, he refuses to sleep with Elisabeth Moss! Jon Hamm is like donuts, there’s nothing he can’t do.

So, it would make absolute sense Jon Hamm has a small penis, right? Nobody’s perfect. God is supposed to be fair and just. Surely with all the pain and suffering in the world, God wouldn’t create such a perfect creature. I mean, there’s starving people in Africa!!

Alas, Jon Hamm is packing heat…

Circumcision has risen 19% since the posting of this photo

…no God would ever allow THAT to happen. Therefore we are all just accidental byproduct of random events. No higher power could be so cruel as to flood New Orleans, destroy the Twin Towers, or attach a hog to Jon Hamm.

Or, maybe, Jon Hamm is God. It’s been promised that Jesus will return to Earth. He would naturally want to be charismatic, funny, and wield a large scepter. With a sense of humor like Hamm’s, Jesus may finally win over the Jews.

So the next time you’re debating Christianity with family over Thanksgiving dinner, remind them of Jon Hamm’s ham, and win that argument.


Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at:

  • Mitchell

    Laughing my ass off! I like the ‘new’ blog. Finland misses you by the way! =( I moved back in January after 7 years of absence. The place hasn’t changed much…but hey, it is what it is. cheers and keep up the funny posts. Mitchell,

    • Phil Schwarzmann

      Awesome! Glad you’re enjoying it.

      And I’m missing Finland! (I won’t come November thru April though)

      • mitchell

        ya, those are hard days…booze is needed.

  • Anja Hämäläinen (your ex gf)

    Stephen Elop fired Phillip Schwarzmann because Phil can’t stop farting!!

  • Emilia

    Magnificently funny, thank you for this piece Phil! I was further delighted after realizing this is written by the writer of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” since I happen to be both Finnish and a girl (well I think I still qualify although I’m at the ripish age of 30)! I’ve read about your book in the newspaper but will most definitely get myself a copy now, I’m expecting a piss-yerself-laughing read. ps. I expected something good as I googled ‘Jon Hamm’s dong’ but who knew it would be this rewarding! 😀

  • Marty Fox

    Elizabeth Moss (Peggy Olsen), is one hot gal ! Jon Hamm was a lucky man to have her as a co-worker (or Elizabeth Moss lucky to have Jon Hamm) as a co-worker. Was Peggy Olsen supposed to be Scandinavian-American? (Norwegian I recall) in the Mad Man TV retro show? And also, “Don Draper” (Jon Hamm) was supposed to be a German-American? (Dick-Witte- get the joke?)

Buy my fucking book! (please)


Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

About Better! Funner!


Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!