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Your $3 million viral video didn’t go viral – now what!!

The Old Spice guy…The Chiptole farmer…The Paris Hilton Hotels sex tape.

Viral videos. They’re the ultimate marketing campaign. Spend your company’s entire marketing budget on a KILLER video that’ll spread like volcanic ash clouds. The stylish Swedish ad agency promised “it wöuld gö virål!” right before they took you out for a 5am night of meatballs and blow.

A week after it’s live you’re up to 3,000 views – about 2,997,000 shy of what you promised your psychopathic boss. “Annoying Orangejuice” was a lock!! The Swedes’ answer is a follow-up video which’ll make the first video gö virål. All they need is another million euros to make that happen. But that ain’t gonna happen.

So here’s what you do…

Hire a viral agency that guarantees views

For just $50,000 they promise 500,000 clicks!! Sounds too good to be true, but their British accents make them sound credible. When asked how they work their magic, they smile (bad teeth) and say something too witty for any American to understand. The “Filipino refresh team” await your cheque so they can get to work. High five? F5!!

U can haz puppyz!!

You worked tirelessly on state-of-the-art CGI graphics for your viral video, yet some Christian housewife outside St. Louis tapes her Shetland Sheepdog sleep-barking and gets 600,000 views! Bitch!!! (Her, not the dog) Simply edit in some cute puppies, cute kittens, or an elephant eating a fellow elephant’s ass, and watch the views soar!

Blackmail Daniel Tosh

If internet clip show, Tosh.0, plays your video, it goes from millions to billions. Fortunately for you the show’s host, Daniel Tosh, has date raped more chubby college freshman than Captain Morgan. Send your niece over to his Hollywood home, pin a blackmail letter to her training bra, pop some popcorn and watch Tosh.0 next Tuesday night. Live tweet with Daniel during the show! #roofies

Send a fake report

If your boss is over the age of 40, social media is WAYYYY over their head. They don’t know a unique visitor from a Werther’s Original. Fudge the numbers and send out a fake report. The more slides, the less likely they are to even open it.

Declare 3,000 views a monumental success!

Too lazy to send out a fake report? Just declare the campaign a success! “CONGRATS TEAM!!! WE DID IT!!! OUR VIDEO HAS BEEN VIEWED BY THOUSANDS!! THOUSANDS!!!!!” Do the evil pinky thing, your bosses were “too busy” to have seen Austin Powers.

Quickly change the subject

The entire marketing team loves the creative phase of a campaign, likes the execution phase, and loathes the analytics phase. This campaign has dragged on for months, so when your boss asks for a report, quickly change the subject. “Tomorrow we launch our very own page on PINTEREST!! We’ll get thousands of views!! THOUSANDS!!”


Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at:

  • Ruishanko

    Was that your latest CV? 😉

    • Phil Schwarzmann

      All my videos go viral!!

Buy my fucking book! (please)


Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

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About Better! Funner!


Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!