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Mo’ Money, Mo’ Crap (Part 2)

No matter how much money you earn, you’ll end up with the exact same at the end of the month…zero. For every $10,000/year you earn, you’ll piss it away on more crapola. Look up your salary to see what you’ll be maxing out your credit card on next!

[Read Part 1]

Fitted clothes and skinny jeans | $80,000/year

You’ve slithered your way up the corporate ladder to the point where you’re the dumbest person in the department. You feel like a total fraud. You could excel by working harder than everyone else, but there’s a problem, you don’t give a fuck. The secret is to dress better than everyone else. Wear a tie. Wear a spacesuit! People will think you’re the CEO. You’re already a total jerk, might as well dress like one. Look for clothes marked “fitted” or “skinny”. You’ll be uncomfortable all day, but you’ll look feel less fat.

Fancy wine and beers | $90,000/year

Your dad drinks so much beer he’d be a connoisseur by now, but he instead buys whatever is the cheapest case of light beer – and let’s not even bring up his pink cardboard “wine keg” seemingly attached to the refrigerator floor. Not you – you’ve “discovered” $6 ales. Then $8 pale ales. Then $10 IPA’s. Then $16 corked Belgian ales. To the average person, ales taste like sweat off a marathon runner’s nut sack. But to you, they taste great, cause three nights in a federal prison would turn you into a girl.

non-IKEA custom designer furniture | $100,000/year

Spending a precious afternoon at IKEA is worse than child abuse, and putting together your own furniture is for poor people. And the upper-middle class. And Swedes. Each piece of your furniture is an “investment” arriving in “6 – 8 weeks” and is designed by someone with multiple umlauts in their surname. Don’t buy an imitation piece!! Everyone knows lamps cost $3,000 and up. Your snob friends will notice an imitation and call you “Jewish” behind your back.

City gym membership | $110,000/year

Outside of work, the only other important thing in life is exercise. With this many days on business trips, your wife is surely have an affair. Multiple affairs. You’ll be dating again and need to look good in the mirror or else you’re never going to orgasm. And who needs condoms? You make the kinda of salary where you can bribe her into an abortion.

Upgrading from an iPad 2 to an iPad 3 | $120,000/year

There is nothing more embarrassing than being seen by strangers in a Starbucks with OLD Apple gear. Remember the time when your Mexican cleaning lady borrowed your iPhone4 and attempted to load Siri but it wasn’t there?? HOW AWFUL!! You haven’t been able to look a Mexican in the eye since.

Sailboat | $130,000/year

Nothing says, “How to kill time until I get back to work on Monday?” and “I don’t have a creative bone in my body!” more than owning a sailboat (or motor boat if you’re a Republican). It’s like golf for people who don’t like competition. Get out on the open seas where you no longer have to whisper racial obscenities. During the winter season you can’t sail, but you can spend some KILLER weekends cleaning the boat and painting the boat and scraping old paint off the boat and buying boating magazines.

Come back tomorrow for: Photography, loft apartments, and all-sushi diets!


Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at:

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Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

About Better! Funner!


Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!