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Mo’ Money, Mo’ Crap (Part 1)

No matter how much money you earn, you’ll end up with the exact same at the end of the month…zero. For every $10,000/year you earn, you’ll piss it away on more crapola. Look up your salary to see what you’ll be maxing out your credit card on next!

Bigass TV | $30,000/year

A gift to yourself for that promotion at Subway, and your first splurge into the good life. It was no problem fitting that 60″ plasma from Best Buy into the bed of your F-150, then through the screen door to your living room. Yeah, it blocks light coming from the room’s only window, while corners petrude into the hallway creating an obstacle course into the kitchen, but the added exercise should offset the Ranch Doritos. The TV’s manual will be the most reading you’ve done since middle school…if you read it (you won’t). Respect to the Chinamen at Samsung for placing English instructions in the front and not Japanese. Now for some “2 and a Half Men” reruns in muthafuckin’ HD!!

Jacuzzi | $40,000/year

Keeping up with the Jones’s are we?? (You would be, if anyone actually named “Jones” lived your ghetto neighborhood.) Nothing says both class and comfort like a jacuzzi in your backyard. Along with your “Rock Band 2” drum, mic, and guitar set (both lead and bass guitar), your townhouse has transformed into a townHAUS. The jacuzzi takes up half your backyard, but there’s still plenty of space to light afternoon fireworks. You’d ask your neighbor to take down the chain linked fence to build a horseshoe pit, but you don’t know what “horseshoes” is in Spanish. Oh well, can’t wait to FUCK in this jacuzzi!!!

Highlights and lowlights | $50,000/year

Highlights separate you from the crowd, transforming a girl into a woman, and woman into generic businesswoman. No more self-applying $7 Revlon ColorSilk (Auburn) from Target, you’ll pay $200 and have an effeminate Asian man-boy do it instead. Tip him well and he’ll tell you where to find all the hottest clubs – that’s where you’ll find he and all his friends! Is it rude to request he leaves those rubber gloves on during the entire appointment?

Health insurance | $60,000/year

Thanks to several jacuzzi-alcohol-related accidents and an incident where your clumsy wife feel down the stairs, you’re on a first name basis with nurses at the emergency room. Well, they know you by name, you still call them “Juanita”. You’re tired of not-paying those hospital bills, so time for health insurance! No dental. You’re paying out of pocket and insurance is EXPEN$IVE – so sell those four-wheeler helmets as insurance covers head injuries. There’s many insurances to choose from, so naturally go for the one with the funniest TV commercials. Geckos are hilarious!!!

Home extension | $70,000/year

Liberal zoning laws allows you to infuriate your neighbors as much as possible. Banks are giving out loans to any white idiot coming through the door. Time to expand the house! Should you build a creative space to pursue your lifelong ambition of making music? Or how about chef’s kitchen equipped with one of those trendy island table-stoves for your wife? Heck no!! Build an apartment for your widowed mother. She DID give birth to you after all! No doubt she’ll be a big help around the house. After she dies your teenage son can have his own space to sleep with his girlfriend. Better build a second room for the baby. LOL, KIDS THESE DAYS!!

Continue to Part 2


Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at:

  • patrick

    Very funny. I’d forgotten those pieces of Americana like the metal screen door, the chain link fence, and your neighbor who has a couch on the front lawn…. hahahaha

    • Phil Schwarzmann

      Thanks!! :-)

Buy my fucking book! (please)


Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

About Better! Funner!


Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!