Click me:

Re: Results from the employee satisfaction survey

Dear KICKASSSSSS TechCorp Team!! (YOU!!)

I wish I could present the results of our latest employee satisfaction survey in person as required by HR (Human RESISTANCE! LOL!!!), but as you all know I’m up to my chiny-chin-chin in meetings and traveling. Until they install video conference units into the Virgin Atlantic lounges, we’ll have to do this on e-mail.

Thanks to everyone who participated in the survey, we had a 55% participation rate which is our best yet! Go team go! But allow me to comment on some of the more “polarizing” results if I may…

TechCorp offers career paths in my job
68% Completely Disagree / 22% Somewhat Disagree
Let me tell you a little story about handsome young guy who started at TechCorp seven years ago, worked his way up from manager, fought to senior manager, battled to director, then two sexual harassment accusations and one lawsuit later, is now senior director. It can happen to you too!! (HINT: That person was ME!! :-))

TechCorp values diversity
72% Completely Disagree / 18% Somewhat Disagree
Ummm…I guess none of you have met Jose, Maria, Carlos, Dwayne, or Rogit?? I strongly suggest you take a walk down to Level -2 and introduce yourself (after 6pm of course, when they arrive)

TechCorp’s has high standards for business ethics
94% Completely Disagree / 6% Somewhat Disagree
“Innocent until proven guilty” is a cornerstone of American democracy, and I think each of you should remember that before judging Mr. Roberts and our board of directors.

At TechCorp, I am recognized for my accomplishments
72% Completely Disagree / 28% Somewhat Disagree
Let me just say that I appreciate each and everyone of you!!!!!

Decisions are made in my department without unreasonable delay
70% Completely Disagree / 30% Somewhat Disagree
I’d like to see some of YOU make faster decisions when you’re constantly traveling around the world on business trips. Trust me, I’d much rather be home with my family (if I had one).

Employees are committed to TechCorp
76% Completely Disagree / 24% Somewhat Disagree
See I don’t understand this. You say you disagree, yet most of you have been here for 10+ years. That’s commitment.

I plan to be working at TechCorp a year from now
76% Completely Agree / 24% Somewhat Agree
Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Favoritism is not a problem at TechCorp
96% Completely Disagree / 4% Completely Agree
Well at least one of you agree.

I am free to use my own judgment in getting the job done
66% Completely Disagree / 34% Somewhat Disagree
It’s a free country and you’re free to do anything you want. JUST DON’T SCREW UP!!!!!

I feel my job is secure.
42% Completely Disagree / 58% Somewhat Disagree
It’s getting less secure with every passing survey question. (KIDDING!!!!!! :-))

I am held accountable for the work that I do
80% Completely Agree / 20% Somewhat Agree
Some real improvement from last year’s survey! Looks like the marketing team “Dunce Cap” program has really paid off.

I can arrange my work schedule to meet my personal and/or family needs
49% Completely Disagree / 51% Completely Agree
Well, just please keep our upcoming product launches in mind before getting pregnant. I’ve attached our roadmap for the upcoming 9 months.

I feel satisfied with the increases in my pay and benefits
100% Completely Disagree
Alright, alright, every year you complain about this, and every year HR reminds you that there’s more to work than $$$$. Can you put a price on FUN??

I believe the HR department listens to my suggestions
100% Completely Disagree
Ummm…hello?? What do you think are the point of these surveys?

I support the company values
100% Completely Disagree
Let’s not allow the temporarily poor values of a few select board members reflect the entire company.

My supervisor is effective in delegating work assignments
100% Completely Agree
Hahaha, very funny guys.

My team cooperates to get the work done
50% Completely Disagree / 50% Completely Agree
To the 50% who disagree, I assume it’s the women, please take a cue from the men and work things out.

Overall, I am satisfied at TechCorp
14% Completely Agree / 76% Somewhat Agree
There we go!!

Sincerely,
The World’s Greatest Boss (HA!)
Terry

P.S. I LUV YOU GUYS!!!

 

Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at: www.philschwarzmann.com

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Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

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Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

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