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My Top 10 Oscar tweets

And what a coincidence, they were all written by me. While on wine and hummus…

10. Nice to see The Muppets – Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy making apparences while Fozzie Bear writing Billy Crystal’s jokes.

9. A George Clooney / Stacey Keibler sex tape could save solve world hunger.

8. Don’t know about you, but I LOVE Sound Mixing but fucking HATE Sound Editing.

7. Oscars are too slow – someone give Billy Crystal meth

6. I starred in THE fARTIST. It’s in black and brown. It smells like the French.

5. No need to say “This is their first Academy Award” for all the Shorts winners. We know this.

4. “The Artist” won, even without Marlee Matlin.

3. I’ll watch “Albert Nobbs”, but only if they bleep out Glenn Close’s face.

2. Jean Dujardin, with that thick accent, let’s hope silent films strike gold twice.

1. Lost my Oscar pool. Fuck you, Google.

 

Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at: www.philschwarzmann.com

Buy my fucking book! (please)


 

Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

  • If you have a ton of Bud Light in the corner, it's lame. But if you have a KEG of Bud Light in the corner, it's awesome party.
  • When u say u don't like British comics, you're an idiot. When u say u don't like Pakistani comics, you're just singling out Kumail Nanjiani.
  • Mexican comics talk about being Mexican. Gay comics talk about being gay. White comics talk about their dick.
  • Zara labels all their men's clothes with "ZARA MAN" - they need to remind you that even though you wear their cloth… https://t.co/t8zb9LPj5Q
  • I've got good hair now and a great tan, so I'm giving up on exercise. Don't need it anymore.
  • Dear Microsoft Office: Update my apps, or don't. I really don't care. Just stop asking me, you annoying pricks.
  • “Oh shit! Mike Pence is coming. Quick, somebody kneel so he’ll walk in and immediately leave!”

About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

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