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My Top 10 Oscar tweets

And what a coincidence, they were all written by me. While on wine and hummus…

10. Nice to see The Muppets – Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy making apparences while Fozzie Bear writing Billy Crystal’s jokes.

9. A George Clooney / Stacey Keibler sex tape could save solve world hunger.

8. Don’t know about you, but I LOVE Sound Mixing but fucking HATE Sound Editing.

7. Oscars are too slow – someone give Billy Crystal meth

6. I starred in THE fARTIST. It’s in black and brown. It smells like the French.

5. No need to say “This is their first Academy Award” for all the Shorts winners. We know this.

4. “The Artist” won, even without Marlee Matlin.

3. I’ll watch “Albert Nobbs”, but only if they bleep out Glenn Close’s face.

2. Jean Dujardin, with that thick accent, let’s hope silent films strike gold twice.

1. Lost my Oscar pool. Fuck you, Google.

 

Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at: www.philschwarzmann.com

Buy my fucking book! (please)


 

Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

  • You ever been so broke that a “friend with benefits” means she has dental and a 401k?
  • When your hotel room bathroom has tons of mirrors & you catch a glimpse of ur body from 8 different angles & ur terrified 8 different ways.
  • NOBODY CARES IF YOU USED A FILTER OR NOT.
  • The Cleveland Browns are still interested in signing Aaron Hernandez.
  • Jesus rose on the third day, so he could watch the Warriors playoffs.
  • Mattress commercials put me to sleep.
  • I’m the face of atrocity, some turn to God, Jesus, or Allah. Me? I turn to Twitter.

About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

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