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11 signs you’re an empty husk

You’re intelligent, hard-working, and a leader amongst men. Success is your middle name. Or maybe it’s Steve. You’ve set realistic goals for yourself: Executive Vice President of a large corporation (Not CEO, you’re so humble). But beyond your business card and Twitter account, you’re an empty husk of a human. Test to see how empty you really are…

1. Your most prized possession are your airline miles

There’s a direct flight from San Francisco to Las Vegas, but you’d prefer to piss away five hours of your life with a layover in Los Angeles – all because you collect Delta SkyMiles®. Fortunately you don’t have a life, so those five hours just bring you closer to death. “But I get free upgrades!!” Pay for the upgrade yourself, big spender.

2. Time with your family is hell on earth

You know that feeling you get seeing your kids after a long business trip? Those unproductive, needy wastes of space are the #1 reason you haven’t made Vice President yet. Maybe by the time they’re grown ups, Pfizer will have invented that home hysterectomy pill, so they won’t make your same mistakes. God damn FDA.

“Ughh…I only got Business Class to Singapore and not First Class! LIFE SUCKS!!!!!!”3. Everyone is boring

Did you hear about the tsunami in Asia? Or that new war in the North Africa? Of course you didn’t, you only follow news from your super important industry. Talking to “civilians” couldn’t be more boring. They know absolutely NOTHING about your company and the differences between airport lounges. And what else is there in life, really?

4. Becoming a “Director” is your biggest achievement in life thus far

You had no hopes and dreams as a child, so you’re completely content in devoting your “life” to marketing. Brag to your old high school enemies on Facebook about all the cool Asian business trips you’re going on. “Ughh…I only got Business Class to Singapore and not First Class! LIFE SUCKS!!!!!!”

5.Life’s littlest challenges bring on anxiety attacks

Gotta call the hubby once a day so he knows you’re not fucking the boss. He talks about the kids, groceries, all the laundry he’s done, and how the downstairs toilet is making a weird clunking sound. You’re about to have a brain aneurism. Doesn’t he know you have a big presentation to prepare for in the morning??? ( = Cocktails and sushi with colleagues)

6. Your favorite form of relaxation is sailing

Seriously, fuck you.

7. Your job title should be “Director of E-mails”

Outlook 2011 is your favorite app apparently. It’s all you really do. The most creative thing you’ve done in years is setup those e-mail folders. Your inbox is so clean, your house cleaning quota for the month is done, your wife can do the rest.

8. The perfect work-drunk balance

Business trips to London. Fourteen hour work days. What are you really going to accomplish for those few remaining hours except downing gin and tonics with the people you hate most, your colleagues. Some passive aggressive e-mailing before passing out, and to the gym in the morning, because you no doubt brought your running shoes with you. Gotta keep that body in shape for your next wife.

9. Mad Men

Wouldn’t you love to be Don Draper? Yeahhh.

10. Sex

Who’s got the time? It’s so childish anyways. And pornography? Put your career in jeopardy over some movies the IT department found on your ThinkPad? No way. Memories of that rave chick you dated your junior year is masturbation ammunition to last you a lifetime.

11. Work is fun!

Your wife and kids don’t respect you, but your subordinates do. That have to. Remember that champagne (sparkling wine) toast your colleagues gave you after your ad campaign won that bullshit award? Work is the only thing that makes you feel good about yourself – don’t fuck it up.


Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at:

  • Deniz Onmuş

    This was a very funny article Phil! keep up the good work!

Buy my fucking book! (please)


Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

About Better! Funner!


Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!