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You won’t get my business with names like this

I left the United States almost ten years ago, and now that I’ve returned I feel like a confused foreigner. A lot of new stores have popped up that I don’t recognize. Like this store: “EXIT ONLY”. And their company slogan: “DO NOT ENTER”.

Sheesh, the U.S. businesses have gotten mean – that Ralph Nader is right! Not very inviting as their tagline, “DO NOT ENTER”, almost shouts to you in ALL CAPS (even with that font’s fancy serifs). No wonder everyone orders things online nowadays.

I remember seeing this store as a kid. My parents told me it was the toy store, but I was too afraid to enter.

Maybe I was just in a bad neighborhood in San Francisco? Everyone knows San Francisco’s LGBT community is around 90-95%, so with a name like “EXIT ONLY”, I assume this is some sort of “straights-only” club catering to the straight minority. I think I’ll pass.

But there’s clearly plenty of parking, so that’s nice.


Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at:

Buy my fucking book! (please)


Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

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About Better! Funner!


Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!