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Tweetsgiving [tweets]

My first Thanksgiving in the states after nine years, and I spent it in front of the computer. My tweets from Thanksgiving…

@philschwarzmann – Hey everyone!! Take photos of dead birds and post them online!

@philschwarzmann – Since it’s Thanksgiving, I’m asking the chef to put raw turkey in my sushi today.

@philschwarzmann – What do West Virginians eat on Thanksgiving? PUMP-KIN PIE!! (i.e. They fuck their family!! LOL!!!)

@philschwarzmann – This Thanksgiving I’m trying to spice things up, so we ordered jive turkey.

@philschwarzmann – WHOLE FOODS turkeys only have white meat.

@philschwarzmann – I hate how the BC Lions play every year on Canadian Thanksgiving.

@philschwarzmann – Drug dealers on my corner are in the Thanksgiving spirit – for $100 they’ll sell you a “Plymouth CrackRock”.

@philschwarzmann – HAPPY TomHANKSGIVING!

 

Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at: www.philschwarzmann.com

Buy my fucking book! (please)


 

Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

  • I drink coffee at the office until it's quittin' time. My colleagues often say, "You're going to be up until 3am!… https://t.co/4dMveoY0P6
  • This poor driver doesn’t know my company just started it’s “30-day weight loss challenge”. Play that jingle all yo… https://t.co/87CFvJH09s
  • Republicans: “If you ban assault weapons, terrorists will simply use other guns which are just a deadly! Democrats… https://t.co/R5NWGMhFcw
  • Pulled an unfamiliar receipt out of an old jacked. Assumed I got blackout drunk at a bar in Sweden. Turns out I jus… https://t.co/aIsyezQCJM
  • "This project is VERY important to the company. We're all counting on you!" "Great! How big is the budget?" "We h… https://t.co/p9XJ8Gw5dU
  • If you're one of those people who come into work early, and sees a colleague who doesn't usually come in early, and… https://t.co/aIIzqJvjjk
  • When a colleague comes back from a few days off and someone says, "WHO LET *YOU* TAKE A VACATION!?!? LOL!!!!!" HHa… https://t.co/ti8FqjB2zm

About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

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