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Tweetsgiving [tweets]

My first Thanksgiving in the states after nine years, and I spent it in front of the computer. My tweets from Thanksgiving…

@philschwarzmann – Hey everyone!! Take photos of dead birds and post them online!

@philschwarzmann – Since it’s Thanksgiving, I’m asking the chef to put raw turkey in my sushi today.

@philschwarzmann – What do West Virginians eat on Thanksgiving? PUMP-KIN PIE!! (i.e. They fuck their family!! LOL!!!)

@philschwarzmann – This Thanksgiving I’m trying to spice things up, so we ordered jive turkey.

@philschwarzmann – WHOLE FOODS turkeys only have white meat.

@philschwarzmann – I hate how the BC Lions play every year on Canadian Thanksgiving.

@philschwarzmann – Drug dealers on my corner are in the Thanksgiving spirit – for $100 they’ll sell you a “Plymouth CrackRock”.

@philschwarzmann – HAPPY TomHANKSGIVING!

 

Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at: www.philschwarzmann.com

Buy my fucking book! (please)


 

Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

  • If you have a ton of Bud Light in the corner, it's lame. But if you have a KEG of Bud Light in the corner, it's awesome party.
  • When u say u don't like British comics, you're an idiot. When u say u don't like Pakistani comics, you're just singling out Kumail Nanjiani.
  • Mexican comics talk about being Mexican. Gay comics talk about being gay. White comics talk about their dick.
  • Zara labels all their men's clothes with "ZARA MAN" - they need to remind you that even though you wear their cloth… https://t.co/t8zb9LPj5Q
  • I've got good hair now and a great tan, so I'm giving up on exercise. Don't need it anymore.
  • Dear Microsoft Office: Update my apps, or don't. I really don't care. Just stop asking me, you annoying pricks.
  • “Oh shit! Mike Pence is coming. Quick, somebody kneel so he’ll walk in and immediately leave!”

About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

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Funner!

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