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Tweetsgiving [tweets]

My first Thanksgiving in the states after nine years, and I spent it in front of the computer. My tweets from Thanksgiving…

@philschwarzmann – Hey everyone!! Take photos of dead birds and post them online!

@philschwarzmann – Since it’s Thanksgiving, I’m asking the chef to put raw turkey in my sushi today.

@philschwarzmann – What do West Virginians eat on Thanksgiving? PUMP-KIN PIE!! (i.e. They fuck their family!! LOL!!!)

@philschwarzmann – This Thanksgiving I’m trying to spice things up, so we ordered jive turkey.

@philschwarzmann – WHOLE FOODS turkeys only have white meat.

@philschwarzmann – I hate how the BC Lions play every year on Canadian Thanksgiving.

@philschwarzmann – Drug dealers on my corner are in the Thanksgiving spirit – for $100 they’ll sell you a “Plymouth CrackRock”.

@philschwarzmann – HAPPY TomHANKSGIVING!

 

Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at: www.philschwarzmann.com

Buy my fucking book! (please)


 

Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

  • Back at the office after a couple weeks off. Or as I like to call it, "Let's see what's growing in my half-empty c… https://t.co/bA49xn3F5i
  • You know you're fully relaxed on vacation when you and your partner argue about which day of the week it is, and you're both wrong.
  • Looked at my Outlook for the first time in a while. It just said, "Bleak."
  • He spelled ‘marginal’ wrong. https://t.co/p7wlj3rmjR
  • NBC is promoting its New Year’s Eve special. They tout it, “The night you’ll never forget!” I feel like if there’s… https://t.co/hw6i0ds5hy
  • My car registration form came with a flyer that reads in big bold letters: "GET A DUI - LOSE YOUR LICENSE!" Should… https://t.co/SfBSPuPznJ
  • I’ve developed a new phobia which I’ve dubbed “Crystalphobia”: The fear that the new Oscars host will be Billy Crys… https://t.co/5hfdzTzssK

About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

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