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Tweetsgiving [tweets]

My first Thanksgiving in the states after nine years, and I spent it in front of the computer. My tweets from Thanksgiving…

@philschwarzmann – Hey everyone!! Take photos of dead birds and post them online!

@philschwarzmann – Since it’s Thanksgiving, I’m asking the chef to put raw turkey in my sushi today.

@philschwarzmann – What do West Virginians eat on Thanksgiving? PUMP-KIN PIE!! (i.e. They fuck their family!! LOL!!!)

@philschwarzmann – This Thanksgiving I’m trying to spice things up, so we ordered jive turkey.

@philschwarzmann – WHOLE FOODS turkeys only have white meat.

@philschwarzmann – I hate how the BC Lions play every year on Canadian Thanksgiving.

@philschwarzmann – Drug dealers on my corner are in the Thanksgiving spirit – for $100 they’ll sell you a “Plymouth CrackRock”.

@philschwarzmann – HAPPY TomHANKSGIVING!

 

Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at: www.philschwarzmann.com

Buy my fucking book! (please)


 

Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

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  • Julio Castro not even trying to win the nomination. He’s just here to make sure Joe Biden doesn’t win either. #DemDebate
  • Why cant Klobuchar be TULSI?!! #DemDebate
  • FOH Julián Castro. Throwing shade like that. Maybe Booker will lay down some short jokes. #DemDebate
  • Nobody likes their healthcare insurance company. But most people will prefer their employer’s super-inexpensive he… https://t.co/0QGmS3BJ7V
  • Hey Elizabeth Warren, I lived in Scandinavia for 10 years. I don’t know anyone who liked the state-run healthcare system either. #DemDebate
  • If you missed Bernie Sanders’ debate answers tonight, don’t worry, just watch his debate from 4 years ago. Same sh… https://t.co/uTH9U0R8aa

About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

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