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Tweetsgiving [tweets]

My first Thanksgiving in the states after nine years, and I spent it in front of the computer. My tweets from Thanksgiving…

@philschwarzmann – Hey everyone!! Take photos of dead birds and post them online!

@philschwarzmann – Since it’s Thanksgiving, I’m asking the chef to put raw turkey in my sushi today.

@philschwarzmann – What do West Virginians eat on Thanksgiving? PUMP-KIN PIE!! (i.e. They fuck their family!! LOL!!!)

@philschwarzmann – This Thanksgiving I’m trying to spice things up, so we ordered jive turkey.

@philschwarzmann – WHOLE FOODS turkeys only have white meat.

@philschwarzmann – I hate how the BC Lions play every year on Canadian Thanksgiving.

@philschwarzmann – Drug dealers on my corner are in the Thanksgiving spirit – for $100 they’ll sell you a “Plymouth CrackRock”.

@philschwarzmann – HAPPY TomHANKSGIVING!

 

Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at: www.philschwarzmann.com

Buy my fucking book! (please)


 

Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

  • White supremacists chanted "The Jews will not replace us!" So let's replace those 4 Baltimore monuments with statues of the Seinfeld cast.
  • There are BOTH SIDES to violence. Take North Korea for instance. We should really share the blame equally with Kim Jung Un. It's 50-50.
  • CTRL + ALT + DELETE + RIGHT SHIT
  • It took Trump two days to denounce Nazis, but only one day to denounce that denouncement.
  • Hey Republicans - think about how much tax dollars Democrats are saving you by tearing down those confederate monuments themselves!
  • Trump doesn’t attack people or groups who threaten America. He only attacks those who threaten himself.
  • NFL predictions! That time of year when pro sports writers copy & paste last season's standings and call them "Predictions". Genius!

About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

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Funner!

Better!

Funner!