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Tweetsgiving [tweets]

My first Thanksgiving in the states after nine years, and I spent it in front of the computer. My tweets from Thanksgiving…

@philschwarzmann – Hey everyone!! Take photos of dead birds and post them online!

@philschwarzmann – Since it’s Thanksgiving, I’m asking the chef to put raw turkey in my sushi today.

@philschwarzmann – What do West Virginians eat on Thanksgiving? PUMP-KIN PIE!! (i.e. They fuck their family!! LOL!!!)

@philschwarzmann – This Thanksgiving I’m trying to spice things up, so we ordered jive turkey.

@philschwarzmann – WHOLE FOODS turkeys only have white meat.

@philschwarzmann – I hate how the BC Lions play every year on Canadian Thanksgiving.

@philschwarzmann – Drug dealers on my corner are in the Thanksgiving spirit – for $100 they’ll sell you a “Plymouth CrackRock”.

@philschwarzmann – HAPPY TomHANKSGIVING!

 

Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at: www.philschwarzmann.com

Buy my fucking book! (please)


 

Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

  • It often seems like Democrats believe in Christian values, but not in Jesus. While Republicans believe in Jesus, bu… https://t.co/s312rCUH0i
  • “Terrapin Crossroads is the place to be if you can’t get into Wolfgang Pucks.” —Bill Walton, high AF
  • Not sure which makes grumpier - If I haven’t had any coffee by 9am? Or if I haven’t had any alcohol by 9pm?
  • Looking at photos of me at 18 - I was handsome and in great shape, but thought I was ugly and fat. Now at age 39… https://t.co/Upm5oB2a4n
  • I told my girlfriend, “I love you” and she said, “I love you more”. I replied, “No, honey, *I* love me more”.
  • My contribution to the conference call was to unmute myself so I could laugh, then right back on mute again.

About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

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