Click me:

Sleepingpills in Seattle [tweets]

Visited Seattle for the first time. Had some free time in between boredom and sleep. Already knocked one out, so why not do a lil’ tweetin’

@PhilSchwarzmann – Touchdown in Seattle, here till Thursday. Glad someone is getting touchdowns in this city!

@PhilSchwarzmann – In Seattle. Now I see why Kurt Cobain killed himself.

@PhilSchwarzmann – In Seattle, home of Starbucks! Every Starbucks cup says, “WARNING: Coffee is HOT” so local residents don’t purposefully burn themselves.

@PhilSchwarzmann – In a Seattle cab, looking for my hotel. It’s like trying to find a space needle in a haystack.

@PhilSchwarzmann – Not sure why Microsoft would name their product “Windows”, there’s nothing to look at here.

@PhilSchwarzmann – Disappointed. I asked my hotel for a room with a view, and my window looks out to downtown Seattle.

@PhilSchwarzmann – In Seattle. No wonder Dr. Frasier Crane got rich practicing psychiatry here.

@PhilSchwarzmann – Searched for “points of interest” in Seattle. Google returned only one result: Seattle-Tacoma International Airport.

@PhilSchwarzmann – Santa Claus hates visiting Seattle so much, this year he’s sending all the kids shit from Zappos.

@PhilSchwarzmann – I just read they’re shooting the sequel to THE WIRE in Seattle.

@PhilSchwarzmann – Thanks to evolution, babies of longtime Seattle residents have been born with umbrella-shaped heads.

@PhilSchwarzmann – Sleepingpills in Seattle.

 

Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at: www.philschwarzmann.com

Buy my fucking book! (please)


 

Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

  • On a train through New Jersey. A woman boarded and asked if she could sit in the seat with the nicer view, so I gave her the aisle seat.
  • White guys can't read the language, but get those Japanese tattoos because they look cool. Maybe Melania just thin… https://t.co/mVQjlYz4Kv
  • Someone tell Trump that mini-series "V" isn't real and aliens from outer space aren't coming to the United States to immigrate.
  • Air Force: "But Mr. President, we don't need Space Force, we already protect the air." Trump: "But you're the Air… https://t.co/4jJQwfE85u
  • Space Force. Finally, a branch of the military for the Coast Guard to make fun of.
  • Looks like somebody saw "Solo" over the weekend! #SpaceForce
  • The closest I've come to being a dad is telling lame dad jokes.

About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

Better!

Funner!

Better!

Funner!