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Sleepingpills in Seattle [tweets]

Visited Seattle for the first time. Had some free time in between boredom and sleep. Already knocked one out, so why not do a lil’ tweetin’

@PhilSchwarzmann – Touchdown in Seattle, here till Thursday. Glad someone is getting touchdowns in this city!

@PhilSchwarzmann – In Seattle. Now I see why Kurt Cobain killed himself.

@PhilSchwarzmann – In Seattle, home of Starbucks! Every Starbucks cup says, “WARNING: Coffee is HOT” so local residents don’t purposefully burn themselves.

@PhilSchwarzmann – In a Seattle cab, looking for my hotel. It’s like trying to find a space needle in a haystack.

@PhilSchwarzmann – Not sure why Microsoft would name their product “Windows”, there’s nothing to look at here.

@PhilSchwarzmann – Disappointed. I asked my hotel for a room with a view, and my window looks out to downtown Seattle.

@PhilSchwarzmann – In Seattle. No wonder Dr. Frasier Crane got rich practicing psychiatry here.

@PhilSchwarzmann – Searched for “points of interest” in Seattle. Google returned only one result: Seattle-Tacoma International Airport.

@PhilSchwarzmann – Santa Claus hates visiting Seattle so much, this year he’s sending all the kids shit from Zappos.

@PhilSchwarzmann – I just read they’re shooting the sequel to THE WIRE in Seattle.

@PhilSchwarzmann – Thanks to evolution, babies of longtime Seattle residents have been born with umbrella-shaped heads.

@PhilSchwarzmann – Sleepingpills in Seattle.

 

Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at: www.philschwarzmann.com

Buy my fucking book! (please)


 

Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

  • If you have a ton of Bud Light in the corner, it's lame. But if you have a KEG of Bud Light in the corner, it's awesome party.
  • When u say u don't like British comics, you're an idiot. When u say u don't like Pakistani comics, you're just singling out Kumail Nanjiani.
  • Mexican comics talk about being Mexican. Gay comics talk about being gay. White comics talk about their dick.
  • Zara labels all their men's clothes with "ZARA MAN" - they need to remind you that even though you wear their cloth… https://t.co/t8zb9LPj5Q
  • I've got good hair now and a great tan, so I'm giving up on exercise. Don't need it anymore.
  • Dear Microsoft Office: Update my apps, or don't. I really don't care. Just stop asking me, you annoying pricks.
  • “Oh shit! Mike Pence is coming. Quick, somebody kneel so he’ll walk in and immediately leave!”

About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

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