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Sleepingpills in Seattle [tweets]

Visited Seattle for the first time. Had some free time in between boredom and sleep. Already knocked one out, so why not do a lil’ tweetin’

@PhilSchwarzmann – Touchdown in Seattle, here till Thursday. Glad someone is getting touchdowns in this city!

@PhilSchwarzmann – In Seattle. Now I see why Kurt Cobain killed himself.

@PhilSchwarzmann – In Seattle, home of Starbucks! Every Starbucks cup says, “WARNING: Coffee is HOT” so local residents don’t purposefully burn themselves.

@PhilSchwarzmann – In a Seattle cab, looking for my hotel. It’s like trying to find a space needle in a haystack.

@PhilSchwarzmann – Not sure why Microsoft would name their product “Windows”, there’s nothing to look at here.

@PhilSchwarzmann – Disappointed. I asked my hotel for a room with a view, and my window looks out to downtown Seattle.

@PhilSchwarzmann – In Seattle. No wonder Dr. Frasier Crane got rich practicing psychiatry here.

@PhilSchwarzmann – Searched for “points of interest” in Seattle. Google returned only one result: Seattle-Tacoma International Airport.

@PhilSchwarzmann – Santa Claus hates visiting Seattle so much, this year he’s sending all the kids shit from Zappos.

@PhilSchwarzmann – I just read they’re shooting the sequel to THE WIRE in Seattle.

@PhilSchwarzmann – Thanks to evolution, babies of longtime Seattle residents have been born with umbrella-shaped heads.

@PhilSchwarzmann – Sleepingpills in Seattle.

 

Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at: www.philschwarzmann.com

Buy my fucking book! (please)


 

Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

  • Back at the office after a couple weeks off. Or as I like to call it, "Let's see what's growing in my half-empty c… https://t.co/bA49xn3F5i
  • You know you're fully relaxed on vacation when you and your partner argue about which day of the week it is, and you're both wrong.
  • Looked at my Outlook for the first time in a while. It just said, "Bleak."
  • He spelled ‘marginal’ wrong. https://t.co/p7wlj3rmjR
  • NBC is promoting its New Year’s Eve special. They tout it, “The night you’ll never forget!” I feel like if there’s… https://t.co/hw6i0ds5hy
  • My car registration form came with a flyer that reads in big bold letters: "GET A DUI - LOSE YOUR LICENSE!" Should… https://t.co/SfBSPuPznJ
  • I’ve developed a new phobia which I’ve dubbed “Crystalphobia”: The fear that the new Oscars host will be Billy Crys… https://t.co/5hfdzTzssK

About Better! Funner!


 

Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!

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