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5 Ways to be a Workaholic to avoid Family and Life Ambitions

You’ve gotten hooked on the good life: Sushi nine times a week. Pre-orders on Apple products. Legal hairloss pills. The seafood counter at Whole Foods. Caucasian house cleaners. Window seats in the emergency exit rows. Trimmed pubes.

Unfortunately the good life comes at a cost: Your kids don’t know it yet, but they hate you. You’re consistently 6-9 pounds overweight. You haven’t beaten a video game since college. The most creative thing you’ve done in a decade is a PowerPoint-slide-turned-PDF. It’s been years since your wife has seen those trimmed pubes up close.

You’re a loser. But you have money and a “career” – so you’re a workaholic! Sure, you could find an easier job and take a pay cut – and spend more time raking your back yard?? Sike! Here’s five tips on being a workaholic and proving to the world that you’re NOT a loser…

1. Be online. Constantly.

From the second you wake up until the moment you go to bed, there’s no reason you shouldn’t within the Outlook-alert sound of your laptop. “I can’t believe he’s STILL working!” exclaims your colleagues at 1am. Win!

2. Arrive early to the office. Stay late. Look busy in between.

Be the first in and last out. As your colleagues trickle in around 8:30, don’t say, “Good morning!” as if you just arrived yourself. In the rare instance you need to leave before 6pm, like if your wife can’t drive herself home from her fucking chemo treatments, be sure to make a big deal out of it. Ask your subordinates for permission to leave “early”. Be apologetic. In unison those brown-nosers will immediately chant, “Off course you can leave!! You’re here CONSTANTLY! Go home and see your family!” Try not to vomit in your mouth after hearing about “family”. Remind everyone you’ll be online again in the evening.

3. When someone e-mails you, immediately reply back, 24-hours a day, 7 days a week.

“Great!”, “Thanks!”, or “What’s the ROI on this?”Some young buck will try to out-workaholic you by sending you that sneaky Saturday afternoon e-mail not expecting a reply until Monday. Show’em who’s boss by replying back in minutes – no, seconds! Sure, you’re busy sailing and have no time for a proper response – Simply reply back with a “Great!”, “Thanks!”, or “What’s the ROI on this?” That arrogant 13-line e-mail signature of yours will help fill out the space.

4. Moan about having to work late.

Start moaning about your looming “all-nighter” around lunchtime. Your colleagues will validate your dispair. “Oh man, I know! I’ll be here till like 2am!! I should just put a sleeping bag under my desk!” Call corporate security then anonymously send kiddie porn to that douchebag who just tried to “out-work” you.

5. Shimmy your “all-nighter” into every conversation.

When your colleague’s ask, “We’re doing beers after work, you in?” reply, “I’d love to!! But I have like nine telco’s tonight!” And when your colleagues ask, “Hey, do you like Modern Family?” reply, “I’d love to!! But I have like nine telcos tonight!”


Author Description

Phil Schwarzmann

I'm a writer, stand-up comic, and author of “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” (Gummerus Publishers, 2011). Better! Funner! is where I write. Poorly. More of my jibber-jabber at:

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Phil’s debut humor book, “How to Marry a Finnish Girl” is out now on Gummerus Publishers.

About Better! Funner!


Better! Funner! is a blog written and curated by Phil Schwarzmann. You’ll find funny original pieces, some not-so-funny pieces, plus stuff that made Phil laugh from around them internets. Enjoy!